Can I?

While I spend many hours calculating where my money is going to (and then some), I know from experience that Things Happen™, and it's irritating. I can figure out what I'll be able to save in theory, but then unexpected things upset the budgetary apple cart. Little X might love nursery and I might feel organised and energetic and I may work extra days. Or the reverse could be true.

At a rough calculation, on current known figures, I decided I might be ready to do the first half of my renovation in January 2027. That's really irritating and frustrating. It seems like as each major expense gets knocked out, some other one will step in and take its place, sucking all the spare pounds away to things that don't benefit me in the slightest. I must try to harness that feeling to work harder to earn money and get ahead with my savings.

I redid my widget thingy because it was a pain changing every item every week. The figures make an enormous total. How do people, like, live? Those aren't even things I want for myself, or in any way crazy or extravagant, but on my tiny income they look ridiculous. It's a bit demoralising.

I know this mood is just a blip. I'm trying not to dwell on these realities and get on with, well, life. This too shall pass. 

Dumb Things

This piece of musical brilliance is in honour of today's shopping escapades. I went to Big Bargain Shop to spend the rest of the credit on my perks card and bought too much to fit in my freezer. Then for Everything Else at German Supermarket, I overspent and emptied the cash in my purse, forcing me to whip out the debit card. It was only £4, but I'm irritated, we do not need to buy £54 of groceries in one day! 

We toured another child care centre today and despite being pricy, it's the winner. I can claim from the whole fee, there are no extras, and they've offered to let me pay in instalments. ♥️ It's a lovely, kind environment and (winner!) most kids DIY lunch from home so Little X would not be the only one. ♥️ Time to lock the days in with Boss. I did buy markers, plain labels and snack boxes for Little X's nursery lunch, and a small backpack. 

I also decided to buy her a set of table and chairs, crayons and paper. Lately it feel like she's sorta missing out on certain things and experiences. I refuse to do paint or play doh (I'm sure she'll do those at nursery) but she can certainly learn to sit on a chair and scribble with a crayon. I must summon the confidence to put her into the Beach Play group in May and take her down to the sand and water play area nearby. 

I know that nursery is why I went nuts on shopping. She's not even starting full days for another 2 weeks, but I'm paranoid about packing lunches that look "acceptable" 🤦🏻‍♀️ and in her getting used to a broader range of foods. I suppose I just want my small human to be like every other kid, even though she is stuck with me! 

Anyway. Debt Charity have acknowledged my cancellation (good). It looks as though I will get a small cost-of-living payment in April (good) and hopefully the Nationwide bank bonus as well as their annual Fair Share bonus (not sure, they've promised me the first one, but I kinda owe them loads of money). Food research says I will get my payment soon. April is looking good, now to see what sort of debt letters turn up...

Horse-Holding

I was looking at the home page of a nearby preschool, wondering if they might take Little X next year so that I could return to work when she's older. To my surprise they take babies and their fees are very low. I have RSVP'd for their open night which just happens to be next week. They're full at present. Realising that they might not be the only ones though, I contacted two more. One has definite space (woo) and has invited me to visit (woo) but they are not cheap (boo). 👏 It's a five minute drive away, but like the first place I visited, parking is 💩 so it looks as though I will need to invest in a waterpoof jacket if the centre looks good. I think despite the cost and inconvenience, I will need to go ahead. 

Six toddler-sized toy cars arrived in the mail, thank you sis. They are a huge hit and a very-tired Little X began crying tonight as she wanted to pick up all 6 to show me, but couldn't manage to get them all into her hands at once. 😂 It was absolutely adorable. She is obsessed. I may need to hide three of them for a while to manage the frustration.

Council tax bill is only £22 per month. 👏 I have bought supermarket vouchers to get the cashback again, because apparently, I am being responsible with my food spending and it will be ok to stop using cash. Unexpectedly found enough in my Everup account to cover me for this month, yay. I should spend the last few pounds of my work bonus card credit somewhere, probably at Frozen Food Warehouse. And I must haul myself off to Big Cheap Clothes shop soon and use an old voucher which is still hanging around.

I recalculated my maintenance arrears for the flat. I am still not really sure what I owe, because they only send accounts once a year, but it looks like it's £1,500. I found a note in my phone were I've written that I owe more, though, so... well right now I've put £1,500 in my goals list over there ---> and if it's the bigger amount I will just deal with it somewhere in the future. I think it was remembering this missing debt which prompted me to look again at various childcare options. Keeping my work income would make such a difference. 🙏

I've also cancelled my DMP in preparation for self-management. Here's hoping it's as straightforward as it seems.

Ughness

So I've weighed it up and down and round about. There doesn't seem to be appropriate, affordable child care that will mesh with my changing work rota, so I'm going to give notice. I could have fought for fixed shifts or phoned a hundred home carers, but to tell the truth it will be a relief.

Another bank has locked my online account and two of them on my credit score show as "late payment". Neither has communicated anything but it's progress. Also, Debt Charity fixed the account that was messed up. 👍 But I'm still going to dump them shortly and go it alone.

This week I went over £1,000 in my "everything" fund. 🥳 And I still have grocery money left, with six days to go.

I am currently watching the Michael Sheen documentary where he wants to buy a million pounds of consumer debt and kill it for 100k. At the moment he seems genuinely perplexed as to why banks are making such an insane amount of interest out of the poorest in society - 40 or even 50 percent. I could tell you why mate, it's because so many of them will be unable to pay. You know, because they're the poorest. In all honesty they (we) shouldn't have been allowed to borrow it in the first place, being such high risk.

Real change needs to be about indoctrinating our children into saving for a rainy day. Not just a few pounds, but permantently living below their means. It hasn't been a thing since before the Baby Boomers were born.

Inconvenient Amnesia

I know it's March, but somehow I forgot that means April is almost here. And the 5th of April is the HMRC deadline for topping up missing NI years for the state pension. It's a terribly boring subject in general but basically, in my first financial year here I didn't pay enough NI to have the year counted towards a pension. You have the option to "top it up" with a cash payment which I sort of ignored last year due to being broke. Well, I'm still broke, but now it's my last chance. So I've got £700 about to jump out of my stash for this. It's a lot of money but will easily give me thousands more in my meagre pension and free money is good.

This leaves me with £250-ish and ideally I should save about £800 for maintenance arrears. I won't have £800 by April though, so I'll just have to pay what I can.

Big news - the bank which only just promised me fees are cancelled forever, has sent me notice of intention to default! This is actually great and much faster than expected. Now waiting for "the" letter and for the big red D to appear on my credit report. One down, 10 to go. The debt charity has told me they've corrected the account with the wrong number, but no, they have not. Oh well.

Work denied my leave for the month of June. I hope it was just a supervisor denying it by mistake, because most of them (and the boss) know I haven't yet returned to work. It's not the end of the world if I do go back then but I need to confirm which days they'll schedule me and somehow find £350 for child care up front.

I finished my £100 baby food study (phew) and it was actually enough effort to make the amount of cash seem appropriate. Now for the money to come my way quickly, please!

Roast chicken for dinner. I'm trying to empty my freezer because there's loads in there, I've just been too picky for too long.

I Just Gotta Letterrrr

....from Debt Charity, about that hold message on Overdraft Bank. It states the bank can't find account number 1234 5687, making the problem obvious, two of the digits are back-to-front. I have emailed them asking for the correction, since their DIY instructions don't work, but I thoroughly expect them to blab on about phoning them again and that's not happening.

I managed to take two bags of stuff to the baby bank (I forgot about the bagful already in my car 🤦🏻‍♀️) and I was hoping to find certain things... walking shoes, socks, vests, and toy cars without small pieces. I went home with wellies which light up, Christmas socks, canvas sandals, two vests and a rubber ball. Not a terrible result and Little X is obsessed with the ball! Oh and I got the most gorgeous little walking boots.

Currently awaiting a £35 payout from TopCashBack 👏

I'm finding Sundays a real drag because there is no chance of any letters in the mail. Imagine that, wanting to get mail. I think I am just impatient for news because it makes me feel informed?

PS I cleaned the wellies and now the lights don't work. Not too bothered though, I would rather Little Miss Wobbly Walker didn't have her eyes transfixed on her feet.

Poison Ivy Card's Poisonous Move

Today I received a letter in the mail from Poison Ivy Card. Despite informing me nine days ago that they had applied 60 days of Breathing Space, they cheerily announced that it has now ended. This is a slight counting fail. Maybe they decided that a Debt Charity payment arrangement negates Breathing Space? Maybe they have frozen interest already? There's nothing in their app to indicate either one. 🤷 I am not really concerned, I just find it rude. 😁

On the other hand one of my smallest creditors, a bank which has been rather rude even when everything was completely up-to-date, has accepted £5 per month until the balance is gone, and they have disabled any future interest and fees forever. That's what I like to see.

I have submitted a change of bank for work pay, but HMRC asked me to call back in one week when today's direct debit will have been applied at their end. They are the last two companies I need to remove from Overdraft Bank so that my money can't be swallowed into fees. Once that is done I will tell Debt Charity goodbye. They emailed today refusing my previously approved budget, won't discuss it all by email, and would I like to nominate a friend to phone them... er no. All up this is just yet another unhelpful thing they have done, so, buh-bye.

In non-DMP-related news, my building manager has announced maintenance charges of an extra £1,800 for essential works. You can't get blood out of a stone and I'm not the only one behind in payments, so... meh. 🤷

I reached payout of £50 on YouGov and £1 from WeAre8 😀 and also won a fiver for RevComps tickets, so I am looking forward to winning the gold bullion. That'd be nice, huh? 😄

Assortment of Spanners in the Works

I finally managed to log into the debt charity site, and Overdraft Bank has a marker beside it that it is "Held" and they're unable to make payments to the debt. I am of no mind to call them in the least, because I found out they aren't doing everything in my interest, so it looks as though self-management is a better way to go. It isn't ideal for me to have to find the mental energy to self-manage but I think this is what I will need to do. I will need to write to each bank with a monthly offer and hope it gets accepted.

It's an odd situation to be able to approach this now as a project and without shame. Shame is no longer the right perspective - I have had the revelation. This is - all - purely business to those banks, and my situation is factored into their business model, and yawningly routine for them. They send their flurry of red envelopes knowing that most customers will panic and pay. But there's a wealth of info out there on forums on how to approach it all and what not to do. So I'm going to be informed. And I am going to be doggedly determined and in this for the long game.

Life in G Flat

Feeling really flat. Had a good chat with my sister about it and she's in the same boat. The convo was prompted by Mum's birthday but it wasn't even that really. It's really hard when you realise your life priorities aren't what they should have been, and you're not sure what they should be or what you actually want, and can't figure out how to move forward. I think this is what people mean when they say "it's hard" - not that they are necessarily a teary mess 24/7, but that they have realised their life road map is blank and haven't got a clue how to get around anymore. And everyone around us is capable which makes it feel even more perplexing. Like, how do they do that? How do they adult? How do they plan for their futures, how do they make decisions? I used to know how to do this shit.

Anyway. The only option in this position is to keep walking forwards. So I do. The debt charity has approved my Debt Management Plan 🥳 but I haven't yet received the postal access code to get in and potter about and understand their online system. They sent over the amounts per creditor and I was surprised to find most will receive exactly £5, so now I wait to see if they all accept the proposal, then will let it run for a few months and see how I feel after that. The market research stuff arrived for Little X, I duly got it all ready and she shoved it away three times in a row. Safe to say she is not a fan. I mixed it with something from my kitchen cupboards and it eventually went down. I will still be honest and tell them it was rejected.

I actually got myself together and went off to Big Warehousey Supermarket to spend some money that has been sitting in a gift card for months. I had been going to buy a new micro, but it is still working fine despite looking awful, so I will just deal with it when it dies. £35 was on a non-refundable gift card and the electrical shops I could actually use it in are far too expensive anyway. BWS is the only place foodwise where I could go. They are absolutely not good value at all, they are convenience store prices, but I treated it like free money and came home with £25 worth of food. Treat: a proper curry. I haven't had one in a long long time and it was £2 and I made my own rice to go with it. Winner.

Bullet-Pointed Procrastination

I have loads of little things I would like to save money for right now. A girl's got a lotta dreams for someone with no cash, etc. 😁 But I haven't had any choice on where money had to go for a long time, it always just had to go on debts and survival.

So what did I do? Made a little graph thingy instead of doing more surveys for cash like I should. Or investment work, which irritates me so much now that I have largely ignored it for a couple of weeks. All my unused pennies are going into the same savings account, but it's nice thinking about all the different things they could cover so I've made it visual.

This fund will also be for things I know are coming but are big, like yearly insurance bills, quarterly power bills, MOT on the car, and road tax, etc. The car will need some repairs, probably by the end of the year. Even if I keep the car maintained throughout the rest of its financing (2.5 years) it'll be 13 years old by then, so that's the reason I have a "Next Car Fund" and obviously it's not urgent.

The flat remodel is just for a new wall and to move the kitchen, but will involve some plumbing, some electric, and also some moving house costs as well. For the Decluttering, I did a quick inventory of my belongings and figure that I could lose 100 small bags/boxes of possessions. I am counting the 3 bags which left the house last week. 

👜👕🏈👗👚👝💼📦🎨🎒🎾🔰👖🎩🎽

Moral reassurance: I am reading the very long online diary of a lady who went into a similar debt repayment arrangement. Hesitation: you're apparently not supposed to start your DMP until all your debts default. Even if you plan to pay all of it back. So I will ask the charity whether to hold fire. They still haven't approved me and I'm getting antsy with the waiting.

I need to visit the Food Club this week. It's a pain, but it does save me money.

Correspondence

The letters have begun arriving, creditors assuring me that interest and charges have been paused for two months of Breathing Space. I also received a huge Action Plan pack from the debt charity. So I found a stack of folders and I have begun filing each letter correctly to keep them ordered. I will need this paper trail for quite a long time. I also found a brand-new exercise book and I am planning to keep track of figures and debtors in there, for motivation. In ridiculous random colours, because I can, and because that makes it more fun. I may invest in stickers.

My Universal Credit money turned up early. It was an odd feeling to see it sat there in the account which nobody else can touch. For a moment I reflected on how this was "all I had" and then I realised, it's more loose cash than I actually had left available in credit last month. And there's several hundred more stashed over in the new savings account. And I didn't spend all of my grocery money either, despite going shopping yesterday.

I called Overdraft Bank today as I'm "supposed" to, trying to have the overdraft removed from my account and turned into a separate debt. This is intended to stop future fees and charges from eating into my money and allow me to control the rate that I repay that debt. They say they can't do it until the debt charity contacts them with a repayment offer. So that was annoying, it means I have to call several other places to move their direct debits away. 80 minutes on hold to the car finance company. 😑 And on Monday I will need to call the insurance.

£2 again from TopCashBack for buying a £5 Asda voucher, yes thanks! 

Even though this debt arrangement is taking up a lot of mental real estate, it's a good thing to have something to focus on. Apart from that my main goal was "escape this flat" which is not a very productive thought process while I have no means to do so. 😄 So I think I should figure out small things to achieve in the interim. Hmmm.

Floor-Pacing and Education

I'm still waiting to find out if my Debt Management Plan will go ahead. They wrote back to me asking for more documents and to explain various expenses and spending. I've supplied it all and it was a bit weird - I have been 100% honest, but I feel as though they're about to shout at me that I've been caught. It's strange. A little bit like that feeling when a police car siren comes up from behind and even though you've done nothing wrong, you draw in a breath and wait to be pulled over. 

🚓

I am still adjusting to the immediate first change, that is, not to have credit available. I was never someone who went nuts buying random items with it, but for five years it's always just been... there. I need something, no worries, I can have it. I might need to figure out which card, but it has been a given that there will always be a way I can buy what I need. Now, of course, that isn't true, and I have to stop and think because spending can't be undone and there won't be options if I get it wrong. It's tricky,

I have made the decision to take £70 of my £90 grocery money out in cash each month, so that I have the physical process of looking at what I can spend. It leaves a significant amount put aside for big bills, so I have opened a savings account paying 4%. I kept £20 for groceries to last until pay day and threw the rest in my new account.

Then oops. I jump in the car and bing, the fuel light came on. The savings account takes up to 3 working days to withdraw. Oops indeed. No other way to buy fuel. I hit "transfer" and realised I might need to spend food money, which was really depressing. Fortunately it went through before I even got to the petrol station... but lesson learned. It wasn't a nice feeling. I think it was a feeling I needed to feel. It has made me more determined to embrace this.

I belatedly had a realisation too, I won't be able to go with my original plan of move out, renovate this flat, sell for maximum price. I can't borrow the money and the cost of the renovation is more than I thought, too, so I wouldn't have made any profit. I'll need to at last pay for the layout conversion (new partition wall, kitchen ripped out, new kitchenette near the bathroom). That's still a few thousand, on top of needing to find moving costs, so I have plenty of time to think it over. 😆

Well, That Escalated Quickly

My Week in Money Land

Poison Ivy Card Issuer 1 & 2: How about we cut your monthly payments? 😍

Large Balance Supermarket Credit Card: we're not helping you. Ask the others. 

Personal Loan Issuer: You can't afford to pay half as much, so just keep paying the whole lot. Work with this Impartial Financial Planner or we won't help you.

Impartial Financial Planner: Can I sell you an investment product? Do you want to buy shares?

Me: Well, Self, 3/4 of the debt is not budging. Time for the fun and games... 

Three hours of fighting a shitty website form on a debt charity site and finally, finally I get to their recommendations and finally the thing stopped crashing, and it's all filled in, an income and expenditure report done. They've given me a budget and they recommended I go down the route of offering a settlement - only for me to download the pack and discover, that requires the sale of my flat, which isn't practical even if I wanted to. Back to the drawing board, the whole lot done again, and I have applied for a Debt Management Plan, which I hadn't thought would be possible. This involves me paying one affordable set amount each month to the charity, which distributes pieces of it to each lender and deals with them on my behalf. In theory lenders can still ask me for more money even with a DMP in place and do so via the courts, but evidently at my asset level it's a low chance. Fingers crossed.

The parts I like the best is that Loan Bank, with the biggest original repayments, which said no to cutting my repayments in half, will now receive less than 15%.

Prevailing wisdom in Internet Land is that I should have stopped paying everyone, and then default, before offering a tiny settlement. I couldn't bring myself to do it though... It'll all get paid, it's just a matter of a lotta patience. 🙏

On tenterhooks now while I wait to be approved... 

Short Exhale

For some time, I've been looking into debt management solutions and trying to apply them to my situation, but they've been unsuccessful one by one.

Consolidation loan ㄨ

Low interest balance transfers ㄨ

Debt Relief Order ㄨ

Debt Management Plan ㄨ

Individual Voluntary Arrangement ㄨ

Breathing Space ㄨ

Bankruptcy ㄨ

Defaults + lump sum offers ㄨ

Selling my flat and renting ㄨ

Every single option fails based on at least one factor. It's actually astonishing how spectacularly I fall through the cracks. 

Long story short, today I called a card issuer and made an arrangement. They massively reduced the payment. 🙏 It's wrecked my credit score I'm sure, but who cares at this point... I couldn't get a loan anyway. I now pay a lot less each month for that card. Interest and fees are all frozen and they review the situation in six months' time.

Tomorrow I call the next one. Fingers crossed they are just as obliging. 🙏I'm at a point of no return, I have to reduce my repayments even more in order to survive by cash, because my credit will be disabled. I haven't lived like that in years. It's a whole new world. 🌍 💰 

Wardrobe Refresh

We only arrived at the baby bank with 15 minutes to spare, because for the eleventieth time I forgot how long it takes to get a small person fed, changed and out the door. I handed over her baby walker, her bath seat, a microwave steriliser, a potty and a baby carrier, and I feel so much lighter for those things being given away. Little X is outgrowing her long-sleeve tops so I had a quick look and found a few, plus a couple of t-shirts, dresses and leggings. While they were in the washer I managed to sort out her clothes. There's simply no need for her to have 15 of anything now that she's outgrown the reflux, and it was beyond time for me to adjust the sheer numbers. Ten pairs of squeezy trousers have been bagged up, and it felt good.

I have ordered a little clothing stamper to put her name in all the clothes she will wear to child care. 😊 It's £3, I'm a little bit dubious it'll be any good, but worth a punt. I've also paid £5 for a press stud kit, she keeps unfastening the straps on her sleeping bag 😑 which is a pain because she then climbs out of it or trips around in her cot with it around her feet. An extra popper will soon stop that!

Second childcare centre tour: utterly unprofessional and disappointing, they showed me the wrong room full of older kids, didn't show me the baby room even when I asked, and it turns out they don't even have a space. Ridiculous. Back to the drawing room for my search.

I know it will be years before I can escape this flat (or escape the worst of this debt... you can look at it either way!) but now, finally, with actively getting rid of stuff, I feel like there's a sort of purpose I've been lacking since forever. I had felt not just trapped but also unable to even plan or move on anything at all. That's a shitty way to be, not to have goals or aspirations, a raison d'être, but now I've reframed it kinda, and it's a big plus-one to well-being. If I can't do anything else I can at least pare down the possessions so that moving is easier, if and when. I can take my time since it won't be soon. But moving forwards is something. It feels like progress.

Waaaaah

I realised today that no, I do not qualify for the "free" childcare hours yet. I would need to be working three days a week and I don't think I'm ready to put Little X into care that many days, let alone myself back into work that many days. I'm still going along, to see if I like it, the option is still there just to pay the full fee for a 1 or 2 days and claim 85% back. Here's hoping the price works out and Boss gives me the exact days and times to fit.

I went into one of the German Supermarkets today and they had some boots that caught my eye. Warm lining, loose but not wellies, and even in the right size without strangling my fat feet. £9 and they came home with me, I had been thinking I needed to find new trainers, but it turns out that in January I can buy comfy loose slip on boots instead.

I had a good chat with my sister during the week and I'm struck by how much better we get on now than when we were younger. We just agree on a lot more nowadays and it has surprised me a lot of late. Most of our adult lives have been about completely different lifestyles and attitudes, but now there are so many things each of us consider important, that we never did before. Yes, we've found ourselves in a situation where only one other person really gets it - not just the loss of our mum, but all the family politics that have come along with that - but there's also a certain synergy in the way we've re-prioritised what we want from the years we have left on this earth.

Losing someone really makes you reevaluate what's important. Nearly everybody knows this, but it's really hit home recently, for both of us. We keep stating ideas, plans, small things we've done or changed this week, and so often, we've pointed out this mindset change as the reason. It's good, I think. I do still have loads and loads of general intertia on everyday tasks. But I'm taking small steps which is a start. I bravely sorted out four bags of baby stuff today to give away, stuff which I could have sold but which realistically would take forever for me to ever do. The few pounds involved wasn't worth the toll it took on my cramped space. No it isn't frugal, but I am hanging on too tightly to "stuff" and need to release a huge load of it for my mental health.

I have about 15 days to find the last £132 that I need to cover bills this month. I've made £45 in the investment account and hopefully can make the same again. There's £100 sat in my Nationwide Savings Account which I can use if need be. 😂 I realise the concept of saving is ridiculous while in deep debt, but last year you needed to do that to get the Fairer Share payment, so it's a punt I'm taking by leaving cash in there now and then.

Off to the Baby Bank tomorrow. Must jettison those bags of baby stuff before I bring anything else into the flat.

PS I completely forgot. I am still receiving the constant barrage of emails from various "credit score" apps and websites, usually telling blatant lies ("You're likely to see eight credit card offers!" and "You can consolidate to a loan today!") because, spoiler, no credit card companies will offer me anything and no consolidation loans want to touch me, not even while secured on my flat. I mostly ignore them but today one said I could refinance my car. Now you've got my attention. Turns out that yes, I had a 90% chance to be approved. At double the interest for the same amount and term that I already have.  I think I'll pass on that one. Curiously, I could actually extend the loan to reduce the repayments.

Existing: £3,500 for 29 months at 11.5%, repayments are £142.

New: Extending to 60 months at 18% and repayments are £91.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I'm considering this, 18% isn't a good offer and that's a couple of thousand more in interest. But it's cash flow I am struggling with right now. I have held off for the moment as I know that even while theory says I can put that extra £50 on the worst credit card, reality says the car may not last five years and I'll still be paying it off. So I will twiddle my thumbs and hope I get offered something better if I am patient.

Bleh

Mental fatigue has crept into everything. This page has sat open for hours and I keep switching to other things instead of writing. In between, I have been silly enough to calculate how long it will take me to get out of debt. 😂 The first major debt to reach payoff is the car, with 29 months remaining, and then there is the flat, with 42 months remaining. Assuming I can even keep up with minimum repayments. 👿 I know that the only realistic prospect of that is in going back to work.

I qualify for "free childcare" for Little X of 11 hours per week. I can then pay for extra hours at an hourly rate. Most centres also charge a consumables fee on top of the "free hours". I can claim part of any extra hours' fees if I need more than 11 hours per week, but I get no rebate on consumable fees. 😭

So we went to see one centre, but their consumable fee is so high that working wouldn't be worthwhile. Next week I'm viewing a less pricey place, and here's hoping that I like them. Then I need to hope that Big Boss will let me work a fixed one day per week. I could probably pay for a second day, but their hourly fee would again make it a very expensive exercise. In any case, one day of work will help.

Win: a £100 market research task coming up in February (I'm not sure when I will get paid). It's a food product test. I am subject to confidentiality clauses but yeah, it's baby food. 😊 It took three emails from them before I summoned the energy to apply and I'm glad that I did.

Win/Lose: My car passed its MOT. I also got a repair done which they told me about last year but which I put off (only £80 to my surprise and delight). Annoyingly, it does have a suspension slight leak and some surface rust on the underside. They expect it may fail next year. I am disgusted to say the least, this is how the last car became worthless. The issue this time is that it's on a Hire Purchase Agreement (car loan) meaning I couldn't sell it even if I wanted to. All I can do is cross my fingers that it passes next year or doesn't cost a fortune to repair.

A Pinned Insect

Have you ever seen a butterfly in a glass display box? It's got a steel pin straight though it, holding it in place. Even if it were alive it wouldn't be going anywhere. It is trapped. That's how I feel financially and mentally in this too-small flat with too many belongings.

I've taken a few extra holiday pay hours and my time off will now end in July (or August, if I were to also take my allowed four weeks of unpaid leave). Tomorrow is Monday and it's time to start calling one nursery after another, hoping one of them has space for Little X, and the sooner she can start, the better. I don't want to go back to work but there is no longer a choice, and, mentally I know it has to happen now to preserve my sanity. 

We're both still snotty and not yet on a good schedule, she attempts to go for her "night time sleep" at 4pm and is napping every few hours through the day. We need to get back to the outside world, visit some playgroups, and I need to rejoin the gym as soon as I have a nursery place for her.

I also haven't done any investment work in five weeks and had to pull all the cash out in order to fly us home. Meaning I'll have to build it all up again from scratch, something I'm not looking forward to. But it needs doing. 

Motivation is sorely needed. 

Out the Window

The previous post was written in the past. Everything except for "one foot in front of the other" has been binned for the past few weeks. I am currently sat, ill and exhausted, at home, in the clothes I wore on my 26h flight back home from Australia. It has been a gruelling time. I got the call nobody ever wants and had to move heaven & earth to get Little X and I onto a plane, to be in time to say goodbye to my lovely mum. ❤️😭

What nobody ever seems to talk about in regards to death, is how hard all the "other" things are, and it seems so sad that our sorrow over losing a precious person is overshadowed by the absolute shit that comes along with it. Financial, familial, logistical nightmares. 

Right now I am grateful for the kindness of strangers and the help from my dear family.

Oscillation

Sometimes it strikes me how incredible it is that certain things are true. I have been in budget deficit for two years now but have still, never once, been unable to meet a required debt repayment. At the moment I went on maternity leave, I was sat on the edge of the well. Since then, I'm in it, sometimes hanging onto the edge by my fingers and sometimes only by my fingernails. But somehow, my feet are still dry.

Obviously there are things I've put off paying that should have been paid (two tax bills and a maintenance bill) but there are no red letters coming through the mail and I am very grateful.

The investment work does bring in steady tax free money but not the amount everyone throws around. I pull in around £150 a month by sticking to the comfortable options. This is an hour or two of work every night though so around £5 an hour - but I am ok with that since I'd otherwise just be watching YouTube.

Dreaming: of being able to change my situation. I think I may have to return to work sooner than planned, for reasons of mental health.