The Loud Hush

It's been completely quiet from my solicitor now for an entire week. I paid for the info pack eight days ago and it takes the building manager 7-14 days to hand it over... So the buyer is also twiddling his thumbs, no doubt, wondering what kind of surprises might lurk in that pile of documents.

My fridge and sofa are in place 😍 and I'm thrilled to have both. But, me being me, I'm now focused all the "I haven't got" items and I'm thoroughly pissed off with the floor in particular. It's filthy dirty and I can't clean it. Our feet are always black and all I can feel underfoot are crumbs and grit. Little X then walks that completely across the bedsheets (since the mattress is on the floor and I can't keep her off it). My auntie has a mop which I'll be getting hold of in a few days, but my sister had ideas about giving me a Christmas vacuum - I can't wait weeks, I'll lose the plot. I may need to beg to borrow hers for a whip over the floor this weekend, before I go crazy.

Centrelink partly decided I exist, messed it up, and then took an hour on the phone to fix it. Not an hour in a queue, an hour of them typing, asking me to wait a minute, typing more, checking with a colleague, etc. Thankfully they also got my tax debt repayments paused for a few months. I'm still waiting for the second benefit to be processed. Hopefully it's before New Year. 🙄 The tax people, incidentally, decided my date of birth, passport, tax file number and address aren't enough proof of who I am, and have told me to post in a form. 🙄

These distractions are irritating but probably for the best, because the first anniversary of losing my mum is at the end of the week. We're going to sit with her then have lunch after. It'll be the first time I see her grave. I'm a little bit in a fog when I think about it all. 😔

Holding Onto Potential

It occurred to me I'm doing this in so many aspects of my life. I have successfully decluttered more than 90% of my holdings, items that crowded up my flat and my life for years, things I kept because they were potentially worth money. I was holding them all while not addressing the reality of who I am, which is: a person of more optimism than action.

I've found the last 10% quite difficult. I've made mental excuses for weeks. Even the last bit of the painting, which will be a hallelujah moment, I have delayed. I haven't felt "ready" for what it will mean (dealing with the floor) which is in turn a delaying tactic on selling my flat. Because selling now feels like I copped out. The flat wasn't renovated to get the maximum profit, it didn't meet potential, yarda. I don't even want to deal with the floor because again, maximum potential would be new carpet and I can't afford that... More lost potential. And all of it, summed up, is lost potential on the money I will (won't) have afterwards which, I fear, will not be enough to do even basic existence.

I've decided I will go back to Australia. Day-to-day living, while expensive, is far less punitive to families with children. Even given the exchange rate and cost of living, the UK is keeping us in absolute poverty and Australia would double our standard of living. Thus is the realisation I probably can't afford to buy any kind of housing with the sale proceeds of this flat. And the hesitation in eroding even 1% of that by not renovating as best I can.

But reality demands I go back to two things: I'm going backwards financially week-on-week, so renovating only gets harder and the deadline for overdue maintenance fees only gets closer. And two, I am a person of more optimism than action.

So the tack has stepped up a gear and now I'm not decluttering 90% in order to move house, I'm decluttering 99% in order to be reduced to three suitcases. It is really, really difficult. Send mojo. 

Ruminations And Relocations

The redecoration has sat still for a week because I've been preoccupied. My son, Jay, finally lost patience with the miserable job market in Finland and is currently on a plane back to Australia. There's a small part of me that's sad about this, he has three family members there who will miss him dearly and it's a pity that he wasn't able to build a life there. But given how hard he has studied and tried, and just how demoralising it's been for him, I am really excited for him to start afresh in Australia with my sister and aunts. ♥️

My War Chest (or lack of) is the more pressing reason for my downer mood of late. It isn't enough to do the bare minimums which all compete for my attention - renewing the lease (£800), paying the service charge (£1100) and moving costs after I sell (£1800). Not renewing the lease could cost me five figures on the sale price, the sale might be blocked altogether if I don't pay the service charge up front, and I can't go anywhere with nowhere to go. It's like coming to a crossroads but all directions are dead ends. And staying where I am isn't appetising at all, winter in this dark flat is not fun.

I did at least order samples of flooring for the living room. I fancy myself as a vinyl floor-fitter, since I can't afford to buy carpet or have anything installed. I've also cleared my desk and I will get rid of it this week - I don't use it and less furniture to move will make flooring more doable. 

Expenses list redone... The emergency fund seems pointless while everything springs up in front of it. And my maintenance charges mount each month (I have £62 left over each month and fuel needs to come out of that... I don't want to think about my insurance renewals in the new year). 

Must muster more mojo.

Kitchen Shenanigans

So I vaguely had in mind to cook properly from scratch once a week and also bake something once a week. But this is me. 😂 I will say it was immensely satisfying to rejig my kitchen and it now feels like a room I like using again. ✅ 

The first Monday I bought Carrot Cake fixings and then realised I'd forgotten cream cheese for the icing. 😑 I made Courgette Muffins instead. They worked, but were too heavy on the veg so were overly moist rather than chocolatey. We both did eat some, but they didn't keep well and a few ended up binned.

For dinner I tried hamburger patties on the frypan (I haven't used the stove top for years!) and they were a big hit with Little X. ✅

I also made a dessert, white choc marshmallow with cereal pressed in. This was amazing. It's Rice Crispy Bars from the supermarket except more, and however you prefer it. I just made it up as I went along. Little X ate some but absolutely hated the sunflower seeds and that caused some drama. 🎭

The second week I cooked Tuna Mornay. This ended up with "mmmmmm" at high volume 😂 so I think we found another food she'll eat. We also had meatballs in savoury rice - not from scratch really but another food she will eat. ✅  For baking I made banana bread tonight. Ladies and gentlemen it's the fluffiest cake I think I've ever eaten. It's definitely delicious but the jury is out as to whether a cake this soft will stay edible after 2 days.

If it lasts that long.

She also enjoyed fresh pikelets this week. 😋 

I now have 5 defaults and 2 more say they will default me. As they do so, I am beginning a £2/month payment to each one. To my great surprise one debt recovery company wrote to me accepting £2 a month as an ongoing arrangement 😲 despite me not asking if that was OK 😲 and it isn't even the smallest debt. I am now hoping others do the same - they manage 3 other debts of mine so we shall see. 🤞

Microwave is an absolute disaster and I'm using it as little as possible. Air fryers are on sale this week for £25 🤔 and I am also pondering a £6 saucepan since I don't own one. And a £7 frypan as both mine are awful. 🤔 

Funky Few Days

While scrubbing, sorting and tidying my bathroom paraphernalia I contemplated just how many invisible and unaccountable home maintenance tasks just exist. What a ridiculous amount of cleaning and tidying and stuff-organisation we have to do, tasks which leave absolutely no evidence you even did them. 🤔 And also for renovations. I will continue to scrub, spray, scrape, wipe, wash, prime, paint, install, and voilà. And at the end it will be a nice looking old bay window with nice features, but no indication of all the work involved or how it used to look.

It's being delayed right now as my knee has decided to cease functioning as a useful joint, so the ladder isn't happening. I've painted part with primer. It reeks, and there's not a way to keep the smell away from Little X, so I'm not doing the whole lot in one go. I also lifted the carpet in one corner. It's herringbone parquetry floor 😲 which should be a no-brainer to show off, but it's not level and would be freezing cold. I might remove a strip of walkway of it, see if it's good enough to paint white. Might.

I own far too many cleaning cloths, hand towels and tea towels. Perhaps I would have known this if I'd actually sorted out my washing pile before now. I really could solve linens taking up too much room by culling most of the spares...

Still procrastinating on my paperwork. Must find motivation.

Avoidance As Standard

My renovation to-do list is not short, and somehow it seems easier to do the physical work than the paperwork-y admin-y things. I've done some more stripping, scrubbing, filling holes and sanding. Oh, and spraying, wiping, scrubbing, and mopping walls and floors. The lino in the kitchen defies cleaning. I am eyeing up new lino flooring, it would only cost me around £40 for that room, but so far, I'm making myself slow down and am doing one project at a time. (I may or may not have also priced up new lino for the bathroom floor too. And vinyl to cover the bathroom tiles. Ahem.)

Little X had her last day at nursery. 😢 But at least I took advantage of that time, to get some handiwork done. We are now potty training. So far it's a disaster. Give me strength to keep up with the washing! 🙏 

Good girl: I have actually depleted my freezer for the first time in about a year. It only has dregs of things, enough to feed kidlet for another few dinners.

Hugely annoying: Little X was almost climbing out of her mini cot 😒 so, grrr, I've had to take the side off before she fell out. This sucks, as I've had to move most of my storage to stop her getting into it all while I'm asleep. Everything touchable has had to go in the dining area, beyond the baby gate. The flat is back to "all furniture shoved stupidly wherever it fits". Sigh. I need to re-gather my enthusiasm for having even less stuff, so that I can have even less furniture.

Spendy McSpenderson: I decided against the rigmarole of installing net curtains. IKEA had some ridiculously cheap blinds (which are, honestly, cheap, flimsy-looking, ridiculous and £4 each) but I've bought them and I will see whether I'll get away with them. 🙏 

All The Eggs!

That title isn't related to the post, it's just something Norri says in excitement when discussing her Shakshuka breakfast on Hey Duggee. This past few days it feels like I got all the green lights. 

Anyway. Work has kindly let me out of my notice period and Nursery has kindly done the same, and allowed Little X just to attend for 6h on funded ("free") hours from now. So starting next week I'll have six weeks to tidy and clear out. I keep talking about this but it's on my mind a lot as I want to move furniture and can't really do that until I have a kiddo-free flat - so next week it begins.

The great big minus is that it's six months since I lost my mum. It feels like it happened to another person. It feels both totally detached and yet very raw, and both yesterday and a century ago. It feels both sharp reality and just a bad dream.

I follow a lady who kindly calls herself an Uninfluencer, she is utterly normal and unaffected, which is why people like her. This week she posted a tidbit about herself. She said that six years ago she lost her mum and became acutely aware that her own time was finite and she wasn't using her time on earth in meaningful ways. She wasn't doing all the things she wanted to do "someday" and felt she needed to reprioritise to avoid having regrets. Within 12 months she gave away her stuff, quit her job, sold her house and went in another direction. That resonates with me. I don't have the "new direction" chosen physically, but I am steering my life in a new way. Financially and in terms of my home space and possessions.

What I liked most is that she has stuck with her new way of life for five years. It gives me hope. I have always struggled to make changes stick and right now I am amazed at still having decluttering motivation. A workmate, who also lost someone, reflected that when you lose someone you decide what's important, and that work doesn't "matter" anymore in the scheme of things, and I understood.

I am looking forward to building a purposeful life. For almost 50 years I have coasted along and it's time to only do what matters. It's time to get further into my own chosen stride and stop doing the dumb things others do without thinking. 

UC Shenanigans

UC declined to pay for my childcare from the Flexible Support Fund due to a dumb technicality, meaning I had 3 working days to magic the money. They then decided to waste time instead of processing a budgeting loan. I managed to get it done on the phone today in four minutes flat (nice work call centre, thank you) and I should have it in a couple of days. I then got an automated message in my journal that it's approved, with details of my repayment schedule, followed by a human response 10h later that I'm not eligible for it. I hope the latter is a dumb mistake, but it's so bloody annoying! I've fired off a rant and demanded a mandatory reconsideration - I want to knock out my maintenance arrears as well. UC should then also reimburse the child care in around a month under the standard deal. Touch wood.

I've felt really flat for the past week and I'm mentally drained. I'm still struggling just to give things away when a little voice is trying to tell me to stop and sell it. I got so fed up with this "property anchor" clutter that I've just deactivated my Vinted page and loaded up five bags for the charity shop. 👏

I bought a toasted sandwich maker yesterday to make pancakes in, and it's beyond disappointing - it is just so slow that it's impractical, 20 minutes to even vaguely look done. Once I recover from the disappointment I might try as thin crepes.

I did manage to sell my dining table + 2 chairs, for £20 (I never used it) and gifted them two extra folding chairs as well. I have someone coming to buy my white wardrobe for £25 - when you never open it, you don't need it OR its contents. 😂 I will be glad of a little bit more space.

The Opportunities

I need to (re) start seeing unfortunate situations as opportunities. I had a tiny win today in that missing work gave me a child-free day to clear out junk. Not having so many clothes will let me have less furniture and more space: that's the next one I hope to achieve.

Spending money on disposable nappies frees up my washer, my time and my space. This is a sacrifice I should have made earlier. It also makes me take my rubbish out in a timely manner. 

Mr Money Mustache said: Wear the tight trousers. If your trousers are too tight, and you solve that issue by buying bigger clothes, you have lost the chance to lose weight, feel better, improve your health and save money. I need to feel uncomfortable right now in my dingy, cluttered, too-small, ugly and messy flat. It is the impetus to, not vaguely aim to spend on renovation slowly over a period of ten years, but to cut my losses, concentrate on what matters, and improve my life. Even if it's not earning me a profit. If it was going to be doable to capitalise and profit, I've had long enough, so I need to accept that it just isn't in me.

I am a work in progress! 

Can I?

While I spend many hours calculating where my money is going to (and then some), I know from experience that Things Happen™, and it's irritating. I can figure out what I'll be able to save in theory, but then unexpected things upset the budgetary apple cart. Little X might love nursery and I might feel organised and energetic and I may work extra days. Or the reverse could be true.

At a rough calculation, on current known figures, I decided I might be ready to do the first half of my renovation in January 2027. That's really irritating and frustrating. It seems like as each major expense gets knocked out, some other one will step in and take its place, sucking all the spare pounds away to things that don't benefit me in the slightest. I must try to harness that feeling to work harder to earn money and get ahead with my savings.

I redid my widget thingy because it was a pain changing every item every week. The figures make an enormous total. How do people, like, live? Those aren't even things I want for myself, or in any way crazy or extravagant, but on my tiny income they look ridiculous. It's a bit demoralising.

I know this mood is just a blip. I'm trying not to dwell on these realities and get on with, well, life. This too shall pass. 

Assortment of Spanners in the Works

I finally managed to log into the debt charity site, and Overdraft Bank has a marker beside it that it is "Held" and they're unable to make payments to the debt. I am of no mind to call them in the least, because I found out they aren't doing everything in my interest, so it looks as though self-management is a better way to go. It isn't ideal for me to have to find the mental energy to self-manage but I think this is what I will need to do. I will need to write to each bank with a monthly offer and hope it gets accepted.

It's an odd situation to be able to approach this now as a project and without shame. Shame is no longer the right perspective - I have had the revelation. This is - all - purely business to those banks, and my situation is factored into their business model, and yawningly routine for them. They send their flurry of red envelopes knowing that most customers will panic and pay. But there's a wealth of info out there on forums on how to approach it all and what not to do. So I'm going to be informed. And I am going to be doggedly determined and in this for the long game.

Life in G Flat

Feeling really flat. Had a good chat with my sister about it and she's in the same boat. The convo was prompted by Mum's birthday but it wasn't even that really. It's really hard when you realise your life priorities aren't what they should have been, and you're not sure what they should be or what you actually want, and can't figure out how to move forward. I think this is what people mean when they say "it's hard" - not that they are necessarily a teary mess 24/7, but that they have realised their life road map is blank and haven't got a clue how to get around anymore. And everyone around us is capable which makes it feel even more perplexing. Like, how do they do that? How do they adult? How do they plan for their futures, how do they make decisions? I used to know how to do this shit.

Anyway. The only option in this position is to keep walking forwards. So I do. The debt charity has approved my Debt Management Plan 🥳 but I haven't yet received the postal access code to get in and potter about and understand their online system. They sent over the amounts per creditor and I was surprised to find most will receive exactly £5, so now I wait to see if they all accept the proposal, then will let it run for a few months and see how I feel after that. The market research stuff arrived for Little X, I duly got it all ready and she shoved it away three times in a row. Safe to say she is not a fan. I mixed it with something from my kitchen cupboards and it eventually went down. I will still be honest and tell them it was rejected.

I actually got myself together and went off to Big Warehousey Supermarket to spend some money that has been sitting in a gift card for months. I had been going to buy a new micro, but it is still working fine despite looking awful, so I will just deal with it when it dies. £35 was on a non-refundable gift card and the electrical shops I could actually use it in are far too expensive anyway. BWS is the only place foodwise where I could go. They are absolutely not good value at all, they are convenience store prices, but I treated it like free money and came home with £25 worth of food. Treat: a proper curry. I haven't had one in a long long time and it was £2 and I made my own rice to go with it. Winner.

Well, That Escalated Quickly

My Week in Money Land

Poison Ivy Card Issuer 1 & 2: How about we cut your monthly payments? 😍

Large Balance Supermarket Credit Card: we're not helping you. Ask the others. 

Personal Loan Issuer: You can't afford to pay half as much, so just keep paying the whole lot. Work with this Impartial Financial Planner or we won't help you.

Impartial Financial Planner: Can I sell you an investment product? Do you want to buy shares?

Me: Well, Self, 3/4 of the debt is not budging. Time for the fun and games... 

Three hours of fighting a shitty website form on a debt charity site and finally, finally I get to their recommendations and finally the thing stopped crashing, and it's all filled in, an income and expenditure report done. They've given me a budget and they recommended I go down the route of offering a settlement - only for me to download the pack and discover, that requires the sale of my flat, which isn't practical even if I wanted to. Back to the drawing board, the whole lot done again, and I have applied for a Debt Management Plan, which I hadn't thought would be possible. This involves me paying one affordable set amount each month to the charity, which distributes pieces of it to each lender and deals with them on my behalf. In theory lenders can still ask me for more money even with a DMP in place and do so via the courts, but evidently at my asset level it's a low chance. Fingers crossed.

The parts I like the best is that Loan Bank, with the biggest original repayments, which said no to cutting my repayments in half, will now receive less than 15%.

Prevailing wisdom in Internet Land is that I should have stopped paying everyone, and then default, before offering a tiny settlement. I couldn't bring myself to do it though... It'll all get paid, it's just a matter of a lotta patience. 🙏

On tenterhooks now while I wait to be approved... 

Short Exhale

For some time, I've been looking into debt management solutions and trying to apply them to my situation, but they've been unsuccessful one by one.

Consolidation loan ㄨ

Low interest balance transfers ㄨ

Debt Relief Order ㄨ

Debt Management Plan ㄨ

Individual Voluntary Arrangement ㄨ

Breathing Space ㄨ

Bankruptcy ㄨ

Defaults + lump sum offers ㄨ

Selling my flat and renting ㄨ

Every single option fails based on at least one factor. It's actually astonishing how spectacularly I fall through the cracks. 

Long story short, today I called a card issuer and made an arrangement. They massively reduced the payment. 🙏 It's wrecked my credit score I'm sure, but who cares at this point... I couldn't get a loan anyway. I now pay a lot less each month for that card. Interest and fees are all frozen and they review the situation in six months' time.

Tomorrow I call the next one. Fingers crossed they are just as obliging. 🙏I'm at a point of no return, I have to reduce my repayments even more in order to survive by cash, because my credit will be disabled. I haven't lived like that in years. It's a whole new world. 🌍 💰 

Wardrobe Refresh

We only arrived at the baby bank with 15 minutes to spare, because for the eleventieth time I forgot how long it takes to get a small person fed, changed and out the door. I handed over her baby walker, her bath seat, a microwave steriliser, a potty and a baby carrier, and I feel so much lighter for those things being given away. Little X is outgrowing her long-sleeve tops so I had a quick look and found a few, plus a couple of t-shirts, dresses and leggings. While they were in the washer I managed to sort out her clothes. There's simply no need for her to have 15 of anything now that she's outgrown the reflux, and it was beyond time for me to adjust the sheer numbers. Ten pairs of squeezy trousers have been bagged up, and it felt good.

I have ordered a little clothing stamper to put her name in all the clothes she will wear to child care. 😊 It's £3, I'm a little bit dubious it'll be any good, but worth a punt. I've also paid £5 for a press stud kit, she keeps unfastening the straps on her sleeping bag 😑 which is a pain because she then climbs out of it or trips around in her cot with it around her feet. An extra popper will soon stop that!

Second childcare centre tour: utterly unprofessional and disappointing, they showed me the wrong room full of older kids, didn't show me the baby room even when I asked, and it turns out they don't even have a space. Ridiculous. Back to the drawing room for my search.

I know it will be years before I can escape this flat (or escape the worst of this debt... you can look at it either way!) but now, finally, with actively getting rid of stuff, I feel like there's a sort of purpose I've been lacking since forever. I had felt not just trapped but also unable to even plan or move on anything at all. That's a shitty way to be, not to have goals or aspirations, a raison d'être, but now I've reframed it kinda, and it's a big plus-one to well-being. If I can't do anything else I can at least pare down the possessions so that moving is easier, if and when. I can take my time since it won't be soon. But moving forwards is something. It feels like progress.

Waaaaah

I realised today that no, I do not qualify for the "free" childcare hours yet. I would need to be working three days a week and I don't think I'm ready to put Little X into care that many days, let alone myself back into work that many days. I'm still going along, to see if I like it, the option is still there just to pay the full fee for a 1 or 2 days and claim 85% back. Here's hoping the price works out and Boss gives me the exact days and times to fit.

I went into one of the German Supermarkets today and they had some boots that caught my eye. Warm lining, loose but not wellies, and even in the right size without strangling my fat feet. £9 and they came home with me, I had been thinking I needed to find new trainers, but it turns out that in January I can buy comfy loose slip on boots instead.

I had a good chat with my sister during the week and I'm struck by how much better we get on now than when we were younger. We just agree on a lot more nowadays and it has surprised me a lot of late. Most of our adult lives have been about completely different lifestyles and attitudes, but now there are so many things each of us consider important, that we never did before. Yes, we've found ourselves in a situation where only one other person really gets it - not just the loss of our mum, but all the family politics that have come along with that - but there's also a certain synergy in the way we've re-prioritised what we want from the years we have left on this earth.

Losing someone really makes you reevaluate what's important. Nearly everybody knows this, but it's really hit home recently, for both of us. We keep stating ideas, plans, small things we've done or changed this week, and so often, we've pointed out this mindset change as the reason. It's good, I think. I do still have loads and loads of general intertia on everyday tasks. But I'm taking small steps which is a start. I bravely sorted out four bags of baby stuff today to give away, stuff which I could have sold but which realistically would take forever for me to ever do. The few pounds involved wasn't worth the toll it took on my cramped space. No it isn't frugal, but I am hanging on too tightly to "stuff" and need to release a huge load of it for my mental health.

I have about 15 days to find the last £132 that I need to cover bills this month. I've made £45 in the investment account and hopefully can make the same again. There's £100 sat in my Nationwide Savings Account which I can use if need be. 😂 I realise the concept of saving is ridiculous while in deep debt, but last year you needed to do that to get the Fairer Share payment, so it's a punt I'm taking by leaving cash in there now and then.

Off to the Baby Bank tomorrow. Must jettison those bags of baby stuff before I bring anything else into the flat.

PS I completely forgot. I am still receiving the constant barrage of emails from various "credit score" apps and websites, usually telling blatant lies ("You're likely to see eight credit card offers!" and "You can consolidate to a loan today!") because, spoiler, no credit card companies will offer me anything and no consolidation loans want to touch me, not even while secured on my flat. I mostly ignore them but today one said I could refinance my car. Now you've got my attention. Turns out that yes, I had a 90% chance to be approved. At double the interest for the same amount and term that I already have.  I think I'll pass on that one. Curiously, I could actually extend the loan to reduce the repayments.

Existing: £3,500 for 29 months at 11.5%, repayments are £142.

New: Extending to 60 months at 18% and repayments are £91.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I'm considering this, 18% isn't a good offer and that's a couple of thousand more in interest. But it's cash flow I am struggling with right now. I have held off for the moment as I know that even while theory says I can put that extra £50 on the worst credit card, reality says the car may not last five years and I'll still be paying it off. So I will twiddle my thumbs and hope I get offered something better if I am patient.

Bleh

Mental fatigue has crept into everything. This page has sat open for hours and I keep switching to other things instead of writing. In between, I have been silly enough to calculate how long it will take me to get out of debt. 😂 The first major debt to reach payoff is the car, with 29 months remaining, and then there is the flat, with 42 months remaining. Assuming I can even keep up with minimum repayments. 👿 I know that the only realistic prospect of that is in going back to work.

I qualify for "free childcare" for Little X of 11 hours per week. I can then pay for extra hours at an hourly rate. Most centres also charge a consumables fee on top of the "free hours". I can claim part of any extra hours' fees if I need more than 11 hours per week, but I get no rebate on consumable fees. 😭

So we went to see one centre, but their consumable fee is so high that working wouldn't be worthwhile. Next week I'm viewing a less pricey place, and here's hoping that I like them. Then I need to hope that Big Boss will let me work a fixed one day per week. I could probably pay for a second day, but their hourly fee would again make it a very expensive exercise. In any case, one day of work will help.

Win: a £100 market research task coming up in February (I'm not sure when I will get paid). It's a food product test. I am subject to confidentiality clauses but yeah, it's baby food. 😊 It took three emails from them before I summoned the energy to apply and I'm glad that I did.

Win/Lose: My car passed its MOT. I also got a repair done which they told me about last year but which I put off (only £80 to my surprise and delight). Annoyingly, it does have a suspension slight leak and some surface rust on the underside. They expect it may fail next year. I am disgusted to say the least, this is how the last car became worthless. The issue this time is that it's on a Hire Purchase Agreement (car loan) meaning I couldn't sell it even if I wanted to. All I can do is cross my fingers that it passes next year or doesn't cost a fortune to repair.

A Pinned Insect

Have you ever seen a butterfly in a glass display box? It's got a steel pin straight though it, holding it in place. Even if it were alive it wouldn't be going anywhere. It is trapped. That's how I feel financially and mentally in this too-small flat with too many belongings.

I've taken a few extra holiday pay hours and my time off will now end in July (or August, if I were to also take my allowed four weeks of unpaid leave). Tomorrow is Monday and it's time to start calling one nursery after another, hoping one of them has space for Little X, and the sooner she can start, the better. I don't want to go back to work but there is no longer a choice, and, mentally I know it has to happen now to preserve my sanity. 

We're both still snotty and not yet on a good schedule, she attempts to go for her "night time sleep" at 4pm and is napping every few hours through the day. We need to get back to the outside world, visit some playgroups, and I need to rejoin the gym as soon as I have a nursery place for her.

I also haven't done any investment work in five weeks and had to pull all the cash out in order to fly us home. Meaning I'll have to build it all up again from scratch, something I'm not looking forward to. But it needs doing. 

Motivation is sorely needed. 

Oscillation

Sometimes it strikes me how incredible it is that certain things are true. I have been in budget deficit for two years now but have still, never once, been unable to meet a required debt repayment. At the moment I went on maternity leave, I was sat on the edge of the well. Since then, I'm in it, sometimes hanging onto the edge by my fingers and sometimes only by my fingernails. But somehow, my feet are still dry.

Obviously there are things I've put off paying that should have been paid (two tax bills and a maintenance bill) but there are no red letters coming through the mail and I am very grateful.

The investment work does bring in steady tax free money but not the amount everyone throws around. I pull in around £150 a month by sticking to the comfortable options. This is an hour or two of work every night though so around £5 an hour - but I am ok with that since I'd otherwise just be watching YouTube.

Dreaming: of being able to change my situation. I think I may have to return to work sooner than planned, for reasons of mental health. 

Crack. Crack.

I am a bending branch. The wood is splintering. Crack, crack, as each shred of wood succumbs to the forces that it can't withstand, one after the next they split free from the others and jump upright. Somehow, the bough hasn't yet fallen, but it is broken. In all but the final snap, it is broken, changed, undone.

My lovely, kind, warm-hearted Mum is leaving me. Fate stole the expected decade of cognitive decline and served her departure up on a shitty silver tray covered in a tureen, the kind that says, hurry, I'm waiting, you don't have long. She is comfortable, and can hear us, but the massive bleed in her brain has robbed me of any chance to get there "in time". Instead, I navigate the burden of dragging her grandchild across the world, of fighting with travel bureaucracy, hearing my family sob at her bedside, and of trying to find the right words over video chat.

I think, I hope, that even after the final goodbye, I will be the branch that still hangs on, clearly changed and damaged, bent the wrong way, but not severed. I hope.