Checkmarks ✅

I tried: offloading the last of the nappies to the baby bank, but they just can't give them away. Into the charity bin they go.

Unexpected: I thought I owed work 4min 48s of overpaid leave, and was waiting for them to request their pound back. But £13.54 arrived in my account instead, so I guess I miscalculated and they owed some leave to me instead. Good employer is good.

I've been continuing with the walls and stripping the wallpaper around the windows. It's gross work, there's mould and grime and, just, how do windows get so yucky? In my ebay basket: net curtains and wall attachments. I am waiting until the windows are almost ready. I will also need to visit a hardware shop for the rods. I should have bought them years ago so that I could open the drapes in nice weather and still have privacy. But for selling, drapes open is a necessity (I have a water view!).

Well done me: I finally cleaned up J's fridge ready to sell. 

All The Eggs!

That title isn't related to the post, it's just something Norri says in excitement when discussing her Shakshuka breakfast on Hey Duggee. This past few days it feels like I got all the green lights. 

Anyway. Work has kindly let me out of my notice period and Nursery has kindly done the same, and allowed Little X just to attend for 6h on funded ("free") hours from now. So starting next week I'll have six weeks to tidy and clear out. I keep talking about this but it's on my mind a lot as I want to move furniture and can't really do that until I have a kiddo-free flat - so next week it begins.

The great big minus is that it's six months since I lost my mum. It feels like it happened to another person. It feels both totally detached and yet very raw, and both yesterday and a century ago. It feels both sharp reality and just a bad dream.

I follow a lady who kindly calls herself an Uninfluencer, she is utterly normal and unaffected, which is why people like her. This week she posted a tidbit about herself. She said that six years ago she lost her mum and became acutely aware that her own time was finite and she wasn't using her time on earth in meaningful ways. She wasn't doing all the things she wanted to do "someday" and felt she needed to reprioritise to avoid having regrets. Within 12 months she gave away her stuff, quit her job, sold her house and went in another direction. That resonates with me. I don't have the "new direction" chosen physically, but I am steering my life in a new way. Financially and in terms of my home space and possessions.

What I liked most is that she has stuck with her new way of life for five years. It gives me hope. I have always struggled to make changes stick and right now I am amazed at still having decluttering motivation. A workmate, who also lost someone, reflected that when you lose someone you decide what's important, and that work doesn't "matter" anymore in the scheme of things, and I understood.

I am looking forward to building a purposeful life. For almost 50 years I have coasted along and it's time to only do what matters. It's time to get further into my own chosen stride and stop doing the dumb things others do without thinking. 

Glacial Pace

The paradox of not being a child is that life goes both way too fast and also way too slow. It's almost 72h since I finished my most recent work shift, I didn't do anything strenuous, and I'm still aching. Little X had an awfully unsettled day at home following the usual long day at nursery without sleep the day before. Me being at work two days a week effectively ruins five days a week for us. So I've written my resignation letter.

Nursery has told me that she has 15 funded hours per week until the end of the school year, so I'm just going to leave her in and have her attend shorter days. Once I finish with work I should have three more weeks of nursery and I'm using those days to do a deep clean and ready the flat for sale.

Currently close to half way through the "stuff exodus" and I hope to have it mostly complete before work ends. Loads has left which was brand new and worth a fair bit of money, but guess what, I haven't missed any single item, at all. It's just as valuable to me on the sales shelves of a charity shop as it was at my place buried in a box.

Vague victory: after missing their call twice due to them hanging up after one ring, I enjoyed countless transfers and cutoffs today on the phone for 2 hours with the DWP. End result I finally managed to pay my £634 National Insurance top up. 👏 The budgeting advance did turn up 👏 and the UC people have just been in complete silence in response to my "WTF are you doing?". But I have it... and I've spent it, catching up with my maintenance arrears on the flat. So I've updated my list. It's nice to see it shrinking. 💪 

Tail-Chasing

I've now been back at work for two weeks - four shifts completed so far - and I'm tired. Physically, I was an old lady after the first two shifts, rediscovering muscles I had forgotten existed (and I am certainly not doing physically-strenuous work, in fact, I've had it easy). But Little X, while utterly unconcerned at being left at nursery and not particularly relieved when I return, is equal parts clingy and utterly shattered on the days following each visit. She has thrown her nap schedule into the bin, refusing to sleep for the entire day at nursery and crashing into slumber as soon as we're home, closing on 5pm. Even on the "at home" days she falls asleep early and then insists on staying awake for the entire afternoon, resulting in a cranky kiddo. I wish I didn't need to work. It's nice to have adult conversation and my workmates have welcomed me back warmly but it's playing havoc with the mummy/kidlet energy levels.

Work is also a bit of a revolving door of staff. Favourite mini boss is leaving. 😭 I am disappointed but not surprised. Buddy-miniboss was sacked 😲 and replaced with Bert from Sesame Street, utterly dull. Newbie Miniboss #2 is apparently popular and seems nice, I will call them Slim Shady. I already lost Good Boss to a sister store and his replacement is totally Frasier from Cheers. Even poor Big Boss is clearly burnt out and has been remarkably candid about it all, saying that Frasier just doesn't jive the same way and the workplace culture has shifted under pressure from above. The whole feel has changed. We are all in there to work, collect our pay and leave. It isn't the cuddly helpy family it used to be. Even Model, who used to be emotionally invested, now seems cold and robotic. But as long as the company gives me the freedom I have earned, I'll stay (although money is also the only reason I'm there now myself). 😁

Sigh, on top of all the other reasons I need this money, I've received my accounts for the flat maintenence charge and thanks to their shitty creative retrospective increased accounting, I "owe" even more than I should. Worse, they are going to bill me for more of the major building work than they should. I am frankly disgusted and it's an amount that means I will need to pursue this formally (if not legally) but before I can go down that route I have to pay everything they claim I owe - and then fight it afterwards. I don't have enough to do that just yet. It will take me a few months. It's very disheartening. Time to change that list there on the right, and hope they are so disorganised that the building works don't get arranged for another year. Time also to rethink my longterm plan, which seems so hard to get my brain around, when the goalposts just keep moving.

The £634 for my NI contribution is safely tucked away and I am reassured they have my info and will be in touch soon to collect it.

I have a monster cold (as does Little X) and mine is a sinus infection and we are irritated at the world. I'm hoping it goes away in the next 3 days so I don't have to miss work. 🤞

Received: several letters from banks that certain things "might" happen if I don't X, Y Z. So far none of the "might"s have actually been of any consequence. Only one has passed on my account, and so far, no contact from the new administrator. The debt management company agreed I was definitely not going ahead with them, but is asking for payments still... I suppose it's extra unintentionally stalling. 🤷

The Strides

I am pleased to recount that Boss man has approved my fixed days and hours 👏 so the countdown begins. We've done a few settling-in sessions at nursery and Little X is unconcerned when I leave - I watched her through the window today after I'd been "gone" for 15 minutes and she was toddling around with toys in hand and doing her own thing. It feels like a milestone accomplished. Although... It takes a silly amount of time to pack Little X's things the night before and to prepare her food in the morning - with everything labelled. And so far it's only one meal. I may just come undone when it's water bottle, milk, breakfast, lunch, two snacks and then I have to make my own lunch 😂

I have offered longer days to Boss and in return he is happy for me to take unpaid leave for the nursery holidays not covered by my leave entitlement. I will still be under the earnings threshold for Universal Credit so I will keep all my earnings. But I was disappointed to realise that by agreeing to the bigger-than-planned contract, I will lose most of my council tax reduction. Honestly it's no wonder there are people who don't work for a decade... I will be working for about £8 an hour once that slap combines with my nursery fees and my transport costs. Oh well, let's call it cheaper than therapy. 

I may try to find a home child carer for holidays so that I can work those weeks too. We'll see.

I had an unexpected win this week, I picked up a handbag and heard a jingle of coins, ka-ching. I've spent far too much on "unexpected" things for the past few weeks but the coins meant that going to German Supermarket cost me only a pound from my bank account. Most of the Favourite Supermarket vouchers remain unused, but German Supermarket was on the way to where I was already driving. We did manage to get over to Food Club this week and ate a nice toastie for lunch.

Got my £100 for the food research. ✅

Dumb Things

This piece of musical brilliance is in honour of today's shopping escapades. I went to Big Bargain Shop to spend the rest of the credit on my perks card and bought too much to fit in my freezer. Then for Everything Else at German Supermarket, I overspent and emptied the cash in my purse, forcing me to whip out the debit card. It was only £4, but I'm irritated, we do not need to buy £54 of groceries in one day! 

We toured another child care centre today and despite being pricy, it's the winner. I can claim from the whole fee, there are no extras, and they've offered to let me pay in instalments. ♥️ It's a lovely, kind environment and (winner!) most kids DIY lunch from home so Little X would not be the only one. ♥️ Time to lock the days in with Boss. I did buy markers, plain labels and snack boxes for Little X's nursery lunch, and a small backpack. 

I also decided to buy her a set of table and chairs, crayons and paper. Lately it feel like she's sorta missing out on certain things and experiences. I refuse to do paint or play doh (I'm sure she'll do those at nursery) but she can certainly learn to sit on a chair and scribble with a crayon. I must summon the confidence to put her into the Beach Play group in May and take her down to the sand and water play area nearby. 

I know that nursery is why I went nuts on shopping. She's not even starting full days for another 2 weeks, but I'm paranoid about packing lunches that look "acceptable" 🤦🏻‍♀️ and in her getting used to a broader range of foods. I suppose I just want my small human to be like every other kid, even though she is stuck with me! 

Anyway. Debt Charity have acknowledged my cancellation (good). It looks as though I will get a small cost-of-living payment in April (good) and hopefully the Nationwide bank bonus as well as their annual Fair Share bonus (not sure, they've promised me the first one, but I kinda owe them loads of money). Food research says I will get my payment soon. April is looking good, now to see what sort of debt letters turn up...

Horse-Holding

I was looking at the home page of a nearby preschool, wondering if they might take Little X next year so that I could return to work when she's older. To my surprise they take babies and their fees are very low. I have RSVP'd for their open night which just happens to be next week. They're full at present. Realising that they might not be the only ones though, I contacted two more. One has definite space (woo) and has invited me to visit (woo) but they are not cheap (boo). 👏 It's a five minute drive away, but like the first place I visited, parking is 💩 so it looks as though I will need to invest in a waterpoof jacket if the centre looks good. I think despite the cost and inconvenience, I will need to go ahead. 

Six toddler-sized toy cars arrived in the mail, thank you sis. They are a huge hit and a very-tired Little X began crying tonight as she wanted to pick up all 6 to show me, but couldn't manage to get them all into her hands at once. 😂 It was absolutely adorable. She is obsessed. I may need to hide three of them for a while to manage the frustration.

Council tax bill is only £22 per month. 👏 I have bought supermarket vouchers to get the cashback again, because apparently, I am being responsible with my food spending and it will be ok to stop using cash. Unexpectedly found enough in my Everup account to cover me for this month, yay. I should spend the last few pounds of my work bonus card credit somewhere, probably at Frozen Food Warehouse. And I must haul myself off to Big Cheap Clothes shop soon and use an old voucher which is still hanging around.

I recalculated my maintenance arrears for the flat. I am still not really sure what I owe, because they only send accounts once a year, but it looks like it's £1,500. I found a note in my phone were I've written that I owe more, though, so... well right now I've put £1,500 in my goals list over there ---> and if it's the bigger amount I will just deal with it somewhere in the future. I think it was remembering this missing debt which prompted me to look again at various childcare options. Keeping my work income would make such a difference. 🙏

I've also cancelled my DMP in preparation for self-management. Here's hoping it's as straightforward as it seems.

Ughness

So I've weighed it up and down and round about. There doesn't seem to be appropriate, affordable child care that will mesh with my changing work rota, so I'm going to give notice. I could have fought for fixed shifts or phoned a hundred home carers, but to tell the truth it will be a relief.

Another bank has locked my online account and two of them on my credit score show as "late payment". Neither has communicated anything but it's progress. Also, Debt Charity fixed the account that was messed up. 👍 But I'm still going to dump them shortly and go it alone.

This week I went over £1,000 in my "everything" fund. 🥳 And I still have grocery money left, with six days to go.

I am currently watching the Michael Sheen documentary where he wants to buy a million pounds of consumer debt and kill it for 100k. At the moment he seems genuinely perplexed as to why banks are making such an insane amount of interest out of the poorest in society - 40 or even 50 percent. I could tell you why mate, it's because so many of them will be unable to pay. You know, because they're the poorest. In all honesty they (we) shouldn't have been allowed to borrow it in the first place, being such high risk.

Real change needs to be about indoctrinating our children into saving for a rainy day. Not just a few pounds, but permantently living below their means. It hasn't been a thing since before the Baby Boomers were born.

Waaaaah

I realised today that no, I do not qualify for the "free" childcare hours yet. I would need to be working three days a week and I don't think I'm ready to put Little X into care that many days, let alone myself back into work that many days. I'm still going along, to see if I like it, the option is still there just to pay the full fee for a 1 or 2 days and claim 85% back. Here's hoping the price works out and Boss gives me the exact days and times to fit.

I went into one of the German Supermarkets today and they had some boots that caught my eye. Warm lining, loose but not wellies, and even in the right size without strangling my fat feet. £9 and they came home with me, I had been thinking I needed to find new trainers, but it turns out that in January I can buy comfy loose slip on boots instead.

I had a good chat with my sister during the week and I'm struck by how much better we get on now than when we were younger. We just agree on a lot more nowadays and it has surprised me a lot of late. Most of our adult lives have been about completely different lifestyles and attitudes, but now there are so many things each of us consider important, that we never did before. Yes, we've found ourselves in a situation where only one other person really gets it - not just the loss of our mum, but all the family politics that have come along with that - but there's also a certain synergy in the way we've re-prioritised what we want from the years we have left on this earth.

Losing someone really makes you reevaluate what's important. Nearly everybody knows this, but it's really hit home recently, for both of us. We keep stating ideas, plans, small things we've done or changed this week, and so often, we've pointed out this mindset change as the reason. It's good, I think. I do still have loads and loads of general intertia on everyday tasks. But I'm taking small steps which is a start. I bravely sorted out four bags of baby stuff today to give away, stuff which I could have sold but which realistically would take forever for me to ever do. The few pounds involved wasn't worth the toll it took on my cramped space. No it isn't frugal, but I am hanging on too tightly to "stuff" and need to release a huge load of it for my mental health.

I have about 15 days to find the last £132 that I need to cover bills this month. I've made £45 in the investment account and hopefully can make the same again. There's £100 sat in my Nationwide Savings Account which I can use if need be. 😂 I realise the concept of saving is ridiculous while in deep debt, but last year you needed to do that to get the Fairer Share payment, so it's a punt I'm taking by leaving cash in there now and then.

Off to the Baby Bank tomorrow. Must jettison those bags of baby stuff before I bring anything else into the flat.

PS I completely forgot. I am still receiving the constant barrage of emails from various "credit score" apps and websites, usually telling blatant lies ("You're likely to see eight credit card offers!" and "You can consolidate to a loan today!") because, spoiler, no credit card companies will offer me anything and no consolidation loans want to touch me, not even while secured on my flat. I mostly ignore them but today one said I could refinance my car. Now you've got my attention. Turns out that yes, I had a 90% chance to be approved. At double the interest for the same amount and term that I already have.  I think I'll pass on that one. Curiously, I could actually extend the loan to reduce the repayments.

Existing: £3,500 for 29 months at 11.5%, repayments are £142.

New: Extending to 60 months at 18% and repayments are £91.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I'm considering this, 18% isn't a good offer and that's a couple of thousand more in interest. But it's cash flow I am struggling with right now. I have held off for the moment as I know that even while theory says I can put that extra £50 on the worst credit card, reality says the car may not last five years and I'll still be paying it off. So I will twiddle my thumbs and hope I get offered something better if I am patient.

Bleh

Mental fatigue has crept into everything. This page has sat open for hours and I keep switching to other things instead of writing. In between, I have been silly enough to calculate how long it will take me to get out of debt. 😂 The first major debt to reach payoff is the car, with 29 months remaining, and then there is the flat, with 42 months remaining. Assuming I can even keep up with minimum repayments. 👿 I know that the only realistic prospect of that is in going back to work.

I qualify for "free childcare" for Little X of 11 hours per week. I can then pay for extra hours at an hourly rate. Most centres also charge a consumables fee on top of the "free hours". I can claim part of any extra hours' fees if I need more than 11 hours per week, but I get no rebate on consumable fees. 😭

So we went to see one centre, but their consumable fee is so high that working wouldn't be worthwhile. Next week I'm viewing a less pricey place, and here's hoping that I like them. Then I need to hope that Big Boss will let me work a fixed one day per week. I could probably pay for a second day, but their hourly fee would again make it a very expensive exercise. In any case, one day of work will help.

Win: a £100 market research task coming up in February (I'm not sure when I will get paid). It's a food product test. I am subject to confidentiality clauses but yeah, it's baby food. 😊 It took three emails from them before I summoned the energy to apply and I'm glad that I did.

Win/Lose: My car passed its MOT. I also got a repair done which they told me about last year but which I put off (only £80 to my surprise and delight). Annoyingly, it does have a suspension slight leak and some surface rust on the underside. They expect it may fail next year. I am disgusted to say the least, this is how the last car became worthless. The issue this time is that it's on a Hire Purchase Agreement (car loan) meaning I couldn't sell it even if I wanted to. All I can do is cross my fingers that it passes next year or doesn't cost a fortune to repair.

A Pinned Insect

Have you ever seen a butterfly in a glass display box? It's got a steel pin straight though it, holding it in place. Even if it were alive it wouldn't be going anywhere. It is trapped. That's how I feel financially and mentally in this too-small flat with too many belongings.

I've taken a few extra holiday pay hours and my time off will now end in July (or August, if I were to also take my allowed four weeks of unpaid leave). Tomorrow is Monday and it's time to start calling one nursery after another, hoping one of them has space for Little X, and the sooner she can start, the better. I don't want to go back to work but there is no longer a choice, and, mentally I know it has to happen now to preserve my sanity. 

We're both still snotty and not yet on a good schedule, she attempts to go for her "night time sleep" at 4pm and is napping every few hours through the day. We need to get back to the outside world, visit some playgroups, and I need to rejoin the gym as soon as I have a nursery place for her.

I also haven't done any investment work in five weeks and had to pull all the cash out in order to fly us home. Meaning I'll have to build it all up again from scratch, something I'm not looking forward to. But it needs doing. 

Motivation is sorely needed. 

Oscillation

Sometimes it strikes me how incredible it is that certain things are true. I have been in budget deficit for two years now but have still, never once, been unable to meet a required debt repayment. At the moment I went on maternity leave, I was sat on the edge of the well. Since then, I'm in it, sometimes hanging onto the edge by my fingers and sometimes only by my fingernails. But somehow, my feet are still dry.

Obviously there are things I've put off paying that should have been paid (two tax bills and a maintenance bill) but there are no red letters coming through the mail and I am very grateful.

The investment work does bring in steady tax free money but not the amount everyone throws around. I pull in around £150 a month by sticking to the comfortable options. This is an hour or two of work every night though so around £5 an hour - but I am ok with that since I'd otherwise just be watching YouTube.

Dreaming: of being able to change my situation. I think I may have to return to work sooner than planned, for reasons of mental health. 

Heads I Win, Tails You Lose

Job #2, which apparently messed up my "offboarding", has surprisingly promised to pay what's owing on their next pay run and I have received the payslip! £300 which is definitely needed. I keep having to pinch myself because so many things have gone unexpectedly right this month, a month where I fully expected to need to smash the piggy bank. Instead, I have managed to put £150 extra onto Poison Ivy Credit Card and all my bills are paid for at least the next six weeks.

Financially floating (still) but now it is just thanks to grace and good luck. I've said for ages this can't continue, there will come a time where some unexpected bill comes up which I simply cannot cover even by all the tricks in the world. I am currently chasing up childcare for Little X one day a week. I am choosing to remember that the stimulation and socialising will be good for her.

Spendy McSpenderson: £10 oversized fluffy fleece hoodie. The heating now goes off as soon as Little X is in bed. So far, so good.

Spendy Spenderella: I started a £7.99 membership for Revolut Premium. With the savings on fees plus perks, this should pay for itself four times over.

Spendy Spendthrift: My mobile phone contract, which has crept up over the years to more than double the cost of the competition... expires tomorrow. Hallelujah. I have signed up to a competitor and the switch is in progress. 🖁 I will be saving £18 a month.

Win-ish: I did a one-month free trial of Audible in order to get £9 cashback from TopCashBack and successfully cancelled it after 29 days. Sadly it didn't track so I am relying on customer service to chase it up. Fingers crossed.

Win: I normally do a rather random Christmas dinner shop a few days before the day and invariably can't find a good price on one item, can't find another item and refuse the price on a third. This year I've actually stayed abreast of when the Food Club hamper was being pre-sold and I managed to put in my order on time.👏 I can't remember what's in it apart from a whole fresh chicken and vegetables 🤣 but there must have been 20 items, so at £5, it'll definitely be a bargain.

Antifrugalista

Me, right now. No matter which nappies we use, they simply don't dry indoors, so I've bitten the bullet and ordered a proper dehumidifier. They're supposed to be cheap to run and effective. It was £89, which I can't afford, but I also can't afford constant re-washing of musty clothes and running a heater 24/7 while living in a damp environment. 🤷 What can I say, it's expensive to be poor...

Stoopid/Winnar: Almost two years ago I cashed in my work bonus for a Primark voucher. I thought the voucher had now expired. Well, this week I checked my bonus account and found the Primark voucher sat there saying it would expire March 2024. I clicked it anyway. It generated a brand new voucher expiring next year, for the full £25. 😲 Unexpedly, it's free new underwear time! 😂

Irritation: the free £43 credit that I have via work perks can only be spent on "selected" retailers. The cheapest Black Friday microwave I've seen so far on these retailers is £20 more than the bargain I found last week. I will watch for another week or so in case these retailers find it in their hearts to actually offer competitive prices... I really don't fancy having to spend the voucher on yet more underwear. If worst comes to worst, I can spend it at Bargain Bulk Retailer.

Spendy: small gifts for neighbours #2a and #8. 

Stop Press: Dehumidifier arrived (missing its filter... I have laid cheesecloth over the fan intake, it's only to stop dust on the elements). Currently hoping the manufacturer will send one out. But I am very impressed with its function so far, it dropped around 15% in a couple of hours which is more than I could have hoped.

Marking Time

I am currently playing a game of chicken. My microwave's days are numbered (it's rusted under the turntable, is getting worse, and it's only a matter of time before it becomes so bad it begins to spark). This is because it gets such heavy use and there's often steam inside... I am far too lax in wiping it out under the plate. Anyway, they're on sale for £35 (about £15 off) on a website where I have about £20 on a gift card AND work is paying me a Christmas bonus in a few days' time which can also be spent on the same website. This would make my new microwave "free" so please cross your fingers that they're still available at that price when the bonus arrives. Thanks!

Netflix cracked down on sharing accounts a month or so ago. That meant no more freebie Netflix from a very cool friend - so it was time to decide on buying myself a cheap subscription. But then I forgot to do so and it occurred to me this week I am perfectly fine without it. I've been watching documentaries on YouTube and I still have plenty left to watch. 

During the week I pulled out a tin of minced beef and onion, from Food Club, trying to make myself use things out of the cupboard even when I don't like them. Along with a tablespoon of porridge oats, a teaspoon of gravy powder, and tins of peas and carrots, this made two meals for me and three for Little X (on baked potatoes, on toast and on potato waffles). That's really good value in my book and it was pretty tasty.

For the past few weeks I've been constantly thinking about money, and it has affected my mindset. I am feeling more at peace now that I've survived my Hell Month, but the almost-at-zero brain pattern is permeating everything I do. I'm always counting how many days worth of X I have, how many days my Y will last, can I make do without Z, can I use Q instead... there's a certain comfort in establishing new routines, but I don't know if it's good or bad overall.

It's almost Universal Credit Day. Time is now measured in Reporting Periods. UC day is where I add up what I'll need and learn whether we'll scrape by for the month, or whether I'll be whoring myself out via survey programmes. 😂 It's nothing new, but it's really getting old (pardon the pun) because by now I really thought money would stabilise so that I'd know in advance. And still, time and time again, I simply do not know until that day. It's tiring. I can still make adjustments (take extra paid leave... return an item from the middle aisle) but those are finite. I dream of reaching cruising altitude and just... sitting there. ✈

Pressies: Little X's birthday pressie from Vinted is fantastic. I also got a really brilliant toy for her from the Baby Bank for Christmas. I wasn't sure it would work properly (being electronic) but fresh batteries in and it's excellent. So at least she is sorted.

Death-Defying

It's not the first time that finances have come really close to the bone and I've scabbled for loose change to pay the bills, but this time there's a plot twist. I recalculated my earnings vs bills and the overall monthly deficit is not an amount I can realistically earn from online activities while also dealing with Little X.

I must admit that my first reaction to the figure was disappointment. I've still got tons of leave (money) to take from work, but taking more than the minimum, cuts the number of weeks that I plan to stay home with Little X. Unfortunately I think my plans need rejigging, because of the gross figure which the calculator spat out.

13 days to go and £85 needed. I haven't had either of my work paydays yet and I'm hoping both payment dates scrape in to reach what I need. I have already taken the money out of eBay, TopCashBack and a few survey sites. I haven't fallen off the tightrope, but I don't dare look down. In the meantime I've booked an extra day of work annual leave for November and we shall see how it goes... no, that doesn't cover my deficit 😂 but I will have a clearer idea of the lay of the land.

It has focussed my mind on my grocery spending, and making sure I try to shop less often. But at around £15 to £20 per week, let's pretend that will make even a 1% difference. 😂 More than that, I keep pondering when the car and loan will cease needing to be paid each month. Sadly it's still years so that ain't my exit strategy. 😂

Currently: doing surveys. Playing free bingo. Churning through investment offers two pounds at a time.

Dinner: a chicken patty thing, broccoli, and a pastry flatbread-y pizza-y thing with goat's cheese and figs, it was free from Food Club and is lovely. 😍

Of Course Not

Well, boss found out about kiddo coming to work, which I'm totally bummed about but also relieved. It was physically difficult and I was almost ready to hand back the key anyway. It is what it is. 

Got myself a free new shower head, thank you government environmental scheme thingy.

My Healthy Start payment drops to half as she turns one in a few weeks (£17 instead of £34)... well it was nice while I had it. More milk and fewer grapes in my life. 😉

I've been staying for the free lunch lately when I go up to Food Club (which isn't often enough, but it's exhausting to haul Little X and the groceries up and down the stairs). I think I'm going to stop bothering with lunch. Of the past four lunches I've had there, it's been cheese and tomato pasta once and cheese toasties the other three times. Nice enough but Little X really needs something more nutritious for her main meal of the day. 

I've been really down in the dumps lately and feeling like my plans are so far off they're pointless. There's a vague constant feeling of travelling towards doom. It isn't like me. I turned off on the drive home, parked, and took us for a walk through the cliff top park. It didn't put me in my usual good mood in any way. But I've now realised I was less down all afternoon than I was in the morning, so clearly, it worked a little.

Related: trawling Rightmove as a debt escape route if selling my flat, looking for potential future cheapy properties in an ever-widening area and with more and more ridiculous criteria. I can buy a shed in a paddock! Or I could buy a disused public toilet for us to live in, right? Maybe if I also buy us a motorhome to park beside it? 😂😂😂

Controversial, Also, Tosser Bosses

Here is the promised job #2 update. I think I've said, there is a new Assistant Boss #2, who called and asked when I wished to start my new job in Nowheremäki, which is a one hour round trip and now only a two hour contract. I --- what? 😂 I mean, it was 11 months into my leave before they casually dropped into conversation that I'm not having my old local 7hpw job back. So I had every intention of taking my holiday pay and leaving, but I decided to let him keep talking now about this shitty binfire of a new role, just out of curiosity. And then I decided to tour the site out of curiosity. 

It's semi-rural and quiet, is once a week, can be done at night anytime over the weekend, and should soon rise to 4h or even higher. 💡 So I have decided to actually do the job, since I won't pay any tax or lose any of my benefit (the "perks" of a pathetic income) and I will sneak Little X in with me. I've done it once and I am still on tenterhooks, half expecting the phone to ring at any time with the new Boss telling me I'm sacked. It's just going to take a few weeks before I can semi relax and get on with... Sneaking in to do my job while kiddo sleeps. 😂 I'm reminding myself that she's safely confined to her portacot, and that it's hard for them to fill such a role. 

I'm hoping to take my job #1 accrued holiday pay at 4hpw and that holiday pay will then last a year. 😂 At which point, Little X gets free childcare. 👏 

Investment work is going well. I made £50 yesterday in a couple of hours. I can see it won't be predictable (half of that income was a one-off and I refuse to do the jobs which have any amount of risk). But for now I am sort of enjoying it and every penny is helping.

The local council unexpectedly sent me £50 extra from the Household Support Fund which they had not managed to spend before the deadline. A new round begins shortly so here's hoping it is a decent amount.

I didn't manage to stay off the card I repaid from my advance - I think that's obvious from my last post, and it's not a fail since there wasn't enough liquid money to avoid it. I'm trying hard to use it as little as I can. It's at about £150 of £600. I'm looking forward to having my small salaries trickle in, with the possibility of paying even £10 off it each week. 🙃

Onwards and upwards! I'm afraid to post this entry, however, in case I jinx things and my sneaky job doesn't work out, so I might delay posting it for a bit 😂 

STOP PRESS (while I twitch) I asked the Universal Credit team to help with fuel costs for the job, it's called the Flexible Support Fund and is un-advertised, I found it only by accident on a forum, but you can ask for help from it for a bunch of reasons. Long convoluted appointment done, they didn't know what they were doing and approved it - I've just received £70 towards my travel. Woot!

Musings #37581

Not for the first time, I've been reflecting on how my posts have become infrequent. Part of it is that I'm kinda occupied with a small child, but there would definitely be time for blogging if I made time. It's also an efficiency thing; I'm so used to not spending that my posts would be a series of identical top tips on just leaving your money alone. But there's a third reason and it's a bit disturbing. It's that I am so close to the bone that none of my money-saving habits are a choice or achievement anymore. I've completely exhausted all those tips; I find myself bored in all those money-saving newspaper articles because there just isn't anything left that I can change, to spend less.

I am coming to a crossroads. Little X is ten months old and I've now been off work for a year. That's been 9 months of deficit in my budget, followed by three months of enormous deficit in my budget (survived by a money transfer and freezing some repayments). For the past month or so, every supermarket visit has meant having to check which credit card I had just paid the bill for and so could now fit a £10 spend. It couldn't have continued. It's been like circling the drain. 

It's felt eerie because no matter how tight my budget I have never before been in a position where a necessity can't be bought. But last night the kitchen light blew and I was so, so grateful that there was a spare in the drawer. And as I've used my Healthy Start card to buy fruit and milk for Little X, I've thought, this money is limited to only these items because otherwise some families just couldn't buy them when they needed them. And then I realised that now includes me.

The escape route (going back to work) has felt like a losing choice. Childcare is a nightmare and not free, and working more than 8 hours a week lands me a 55% tax rate (the pound-for-pound deduction from my Universal Credit) plus I'd pay ACTUAL tax, National Insurance and travel expenses. The idea of all that kerfuffle for maybe £2 an hour... It feels like the system is engineered to keep me at home. 

But if you know me at all, you know I'm a problem-solver. It's why I have focussed on the sliver between, that 8 hours of grace. The original plan was taking job #1's saved up holiday pay at 8h per week, which would help me tread water for another six months. But job #2 has been in touch and I am hopeful of a golden goose, working 4h per week with Little X in tow. 🤞 🤞 🤞 This would extend the reprieve to a whole year. I will update as soon as I know. Send good luck vibes. 🤞 🤞 🤞 

Multiple Miscalculations

My side hustle investment thing is doing better than I realised. I have tentatively set it to automatically withdraw £60 each month in profit, as "income", since it also costs me £40 per month to be a member, so, I'm assuming I will make at least £100 each month. Optimism, right? There is money sitting about in the working account now and I need to knuckle down and start more jobs on it. Next goal: to have enough sitting about that I can increase my regular withdrawal. Tonight I'm doing a mini training course on another job type in the system so that I can do those jobs.

I sat my first practice English exam and scored 75%. The teacher was raving about how well we all did considering we had just started the course, but I was quite disappointed in my score. I thought I was "good at" English, at least in understanding and interpreting a text. I think what I found most frustrating is that I read the answer key and thought I had done as the question asked, but apparently, I didn't, and I don't really understand why. She seems to think we will all get better at these with practice. I hope so. I don't know how to improve when I don't know what was lacking. It was all the more surprising since every question we answer in classwork, she says is correct...

Speaking of that course I have to find childcare for three exams and it is really difficult. Everyone I've approached either doesn't answer my enquiries or doesn't do one-off sessions. Ugh. It's the same problem for Job #2. I really need a regular small-hours role where I can take Little X with me. I'm hopefully visiting the site this weekend just to see if it might be possible.