Wardrobe Refresh

We only arrived at the baby bank with 15 minutes to spare, because for the eleventieth time I forgot how long it takes to get a small person fed, changed and out the door. I handed over her baby walker, her bath seat, a microwave steriliser, a potty and a baby carrier, and I feel so much lighter for those things being given away. Little X is outgrowing her long-sleeve tops so I had a quick look and found a few, plus a couple of t-shirts, dresses and leggings. While they were in the washer I managed to sort out her clothes. There's simply no need for her to have 15 of anything now that she's outgrown the reflux, and it was beyond time for me to adjust the sheer numbers. Ten pairs of squeezy trousers have been bagged up, and it felt good.

I have ordered a little clothing stamper to put her name in all the clothes she will wear to child care. 😊 It's £3, I'm a little bit dubious it'll be any good, but worth a punt. I've also paid £5 for a press stud kit, she keeps unfastening the straps on her sleeping bag 😑 which is a pain because she then climbs out of it or trips around in her cot with it around her feet. An extra popper will soon stop that!

Second childcare centre tour: utterly unprofessional and disappointing, they showed me the wrong room full of older kids, didn't show me the baby room even when I asked, and it turns out they don't even have a space. Ridiculous. Back to the drawing room for my search.

I know it will be years before I can escape this flat (or escape the worst of this debt... you can look at it either way!) but now, finally, with actively getting rid of stuff, I feel like there's a sort of purpose I've been lacking since forever. I had felt not just trapped but also unable to even plan or move on anything at all. That's a shitty way to be, not to have goals or aspirations, a raison d'être, but now I've reframed it kinda, and it's a big plus-one to well-being. If I can't do anything else I can at least pare down the possessions so that moving is easier, if and when. I can take my time since it won't be soon. But moving forwards is something. It feels like progress.

Waaaaah

I realised today that no, I do not qualify for the "free" childcare hours yet. I would need to be working three days a week and I don't think I'm ready to put Little X into care that many days, let alone myself back into work that many days. I'm still going along, to see if I like it, the option is still there just to pay the full fee for a 1 or 2 days and claim 85% back. Here's hoping the price works out and Boss gives me the exact days and times to fit.

I went into one of the German Supermarkets today and they had some boots that caught my eye. Warm lining, loose but not wellies, and even in the right size without strangling my fat feet. £9 and they came home with me, I had been thinking I needed to find new trainers, but it turns out that in January I can buy comfy loose slip on boots instead.

I had a good chat with my sister during the week and I'm struck by how much better we get on now than when we were younger. We just agree on a lot more nowadays and it has surprised me a lot of late. Most of our adult lives have been about completely different lifestyles and attitudes, but now there are so many things each of us consider important, that we never did before. Yes, we've found ourselves in a situation where only one other person really gets it - not just the loss of our mum, but all the family politics that have come along with that - but there's also a certain synergy in the way we've re-prioritised what we want from the years we have left on this earth.

Losing someone really makes you reevaluate what's important. Nearly everybody knows this, but it's really hit home recently, for both of us. We keep stating ideas, plans, small things we've done or changed this week, and so often, we've pointed out this mindset change as the reason. It's good, I think. I do still have loads and loads of general intertia on everyday tasks. But I'm taking small steps which is a start. I bravely sorted out four bags of baby stuff today to give away, stuff which I could have sold but which realistically would take forever for me to ever do. The few pounds involved wasn't worth the toll it took on my cramped space. No it isn't frugal, but I am hanging on too tightly to "stuff" and need to release a huge load of it for my mental health.

I have about 15 days to find the last £132 that I need to cover bills this month. I've made £45 in the investment account and hopefully can make the same again. There's £100 sat in my Nationwide Savings Account which I can use if need be. 😂 I realise the concept of saving is ridiculous while in deep debt, but last year you needed to do that to get the Fairer Share payment, so it's a punt I'm taking by leaving cash in there now and then.

Off to the Baby Bank tomorrow. Must jettison those bags of baby stuff before I bring anything else into the flat.

PS I completely forgot. I am still receiving the constant barrage of emails from various "credit score" apps and websites, usually telling blatant lies ("You're likely to see eight credit card offers!" and "You can consolidate to a loan today!") because, spoiler, no credit card companies will offer me anything and no consolidation loans want to touch me, not even while secured on my flat. I mostly ignore them but today one said I could refinance my car. Now you've got my attention. Turns out that yes, I had a 90% chance to be approved. At double the interest for the same amount and term that I already have.  I think I'll pass on that one. Curiously, I could actually extend the loan to reduce the repayments.

Existing: £3,500 for 29 months at 11.5%, repayments are £142.

New: Extending to 60 months at 18% and repayments are £91.

I'm kind of disgusted with myself that I'm considering this, 18% isn't a good offer and that's a couple of thousand more in interest. But it's cash flow I am struggling with right now. I have held off for the moment as I know that even while theory says I can put that extra £50 on the worst credit card, reality says the car may not last five years and I'll still be paying it off. So I will twiddle my thumbs and hope I get offered something better if I am patient.

Bleh

Mental fatigue has crept into everything. This page has sat open for hours and I keep switching to other things instead of writing. In between, I have been silly enough to calculate how long it will take me to get out of debt. 😂 The first major debt to reach payoff is the car, with 29 months remaining, and then there is the flat, with 42 months remaining. Assuming I can even keep up with minimum repayments. 👿 I know that the only realistic prospect of that is in going back to work.

I qualify for "free childcare" for Little X of 11 hours per week. I can then pay for extra hours at an hourly rate. Most centres also charge a consumables fee on top of the "free hours". I can claim part of any extra hours' fees if I need more than 11 hours per week, but I get no rebate on consumable fees. 😭

So we went to see one centre, but their consumable fee is so high that working wouldn't be worthwhile. Next week I'm viewing a less pricey place, and here's hoping that I like them. Then I need to hope that Big Boss will let me work a fixed one day per week. I could probably pay for a second day, but their hourly fee would again make it a very expensive exercise. In any case, one day of work will help.

Win: a £100 market research task coming up in February (I'm not sure when I will get paid). It's a food product test. I am subject to confidentiality clauses but yeah, it's baby food. 😊 It took three emails from them before I summoned the energy to apply and I'm glad that I did.

Win/Lose: My car passed its MOT. I also got a repair done which they told me about last year but which I put off (only £80 to my surprise and delight). Annoyingly, it does have a suspension slight leak and some surface rust on the underside. They expect it may fail next year. I am disgusted to say the least, this is how the last car became worthless. The issue this time is that it's on a Hire Purchase Agreement (car loan) meaning I couldn't sell it even if I wanted to. All I can do is cross my fingers that it passes next year or doesn't cost a fortune to repair.

A Pinned Insect

Have you ever seen a butterfly in a glass display box? It's got a steel pin straight though it, holding it in place. Even if it were alive it wouldn't be going anywhere. It is trapped. That's how I feel financially and mentally in this too-small flat with too many belongings.

I've taken a few extra holiday pay hours and my time off will now end in July (or August, if I were to also take my allowed four weeks of unpaid leave). Tomorrow is Monday and it's time to start calling one nursery after another, hoping one of them has space for Little X, and the sooner she can start, the better. I don't want to go back to work but there is no longer a choice, and, mentally I know it has to happen now to preserve my sanity. 

We're both still snotty and not yet on a good schedule, she attempts to go for her "night time sleep" at 4pm and is napping every few hours through the day. We need to get back to the outside world, visit some playgroups, and I need to rejoin the gym as soon as I have a nursery place for her.

I also haven't done any investment work in five weeks and had to pull all the cash out in order to fly us home. Meaning I'll have to build it all up again from scratch, something I'm not looking forward to. But it needs doing. 

Motivation is sorely needed.