Work is going along. The people are nice. I'm not so sure about the role itself. I feel a sense of déjà vu. This isn't the first time that I've thought I understood what a role would be and it turns out somewhat different. It isn't a job that I can't do - I know I can do it - but I'm worried as to whether it will fulfil me. I seem to be doing tasks I didn't expect. But maybe it's only until I settle in.
I want to be content, and presently my life's upside down. I've thrown in my old job and am not sure about the new one, but I'm already committed to moving so I can't backtrack. My lack of friends and my clingy insecurity meant that a dear friend has cut me out of their life. I am so incredibly hurt and I struggle to deal with that, and I hate that it's all my own doing for being too solitary for too long. I am behind with my studies, and can't manage to pack my apartment or book the removalist. The new town should be the place I want to be but I feel like I'll be continually looking over my shoulder for something else to make me feel even worse.
Contentment has been my aim for many years. I've never gone looking for a life of bliss - imagine you did that, you'd grow bored of it and always want to be even happier. What a way to disappoint yourself! I am happy when my mind has peace. My days are a bit sad right now, but I'm just taking one day at a time. Things are not getting worse, and that counts for something. I'm sort of eating. Baby steps.
Spent: £24 on bits and pieces for my new place. Unpleasant.
£10 on a black zip fleece for work.
Accountability: am now down by 19kg in total and am 6kg above target weight. Starting to doubt whether I will ever be happy with my body. Sigh.
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