On. The. Phone. Man, Totally Shit Bank is so incredibly bad. I am counting down the days until I can bin it off; I keep it (for now) because it's my oldest account and that's really important for credit scoring. The day that another card reaches six years, BOOM, Totally Shit Bank is in the bin.
Me: Dials bank. Sits through horrible voice prompts and requests "balance transfer" which is repeated perfectly by the robot. Clears security with eleventeen 16-digit card numbers and questions.
Hold music of death. It's so loud it sounds like a 1920s radio with a knife through the speaker... and every 30 seconds it's interrupted to tell me my call is important
Them: Welcome to Totally Shit Bank.
Me: Hello, I'd like to do a balance transfer. It doesn't work in your internet banking, it has an error page, but I've been told I do have a BT offer.
Them: Yes you do. Let me transfer you.
Long-arsed voice system again. Clears security again. Hold music.
Them #2: Hello, balance transfer team
Me: (explains whole situation again)
(disconnected)
Redial and long-arsed voice system again. Clear security again. Hold music.
Them #3: Let me transfer you.
Hold music...
Them #4: Hello transfers
Me: (explains whole situ. Pass security again. Chant 16-digit cards a few times. Check them all again just in case.)
Them #4: The card has been blocked with a fraud alert. Let me transfer you to Fraud to get that released, and then they can send you back here.
Longgggggg hold music (Why does it take so long to get through to a service that's usually quite urgent?)
Them #5: Hello Fraud Team
Me: (start explanation again. Pass security again. This time, they ask me about landmarks in my suburb.)
Them #5: It was blocked just in case, a few minutes ago, but it's to protect you.
Me: You blocked your own team? (Laughing)
Them #5: Dumb explanation on why they need to block themselves for my safety
Me: ......
Them #5 Ok, done, back to the transfer team now.
Hold music
Them #6: Yeah hi, Half-Asleep Dickhead speaking.
Me: (explains whole situation again)
Half-Asleep Dickhead: Let me transfer you
Me: Nooooooo
HAD: (Lazily mumbles about trying)
Me: (goes through entire security again. Gives 16-digit card details over and over. Confirms amount.)
HAD: It says your address is wrong.
Me: (Confirms address to HAD. Reconfirms it, because HAD does not understand what "it's flat number one, in building number two" means. Checks a third time. Confirms address with both banks is 100% correct, and correctly formatted, in the correct order - the two bank statement addresses side-by-side are a carbon copy)
HAD: Yeah I'll try again
(same shit for another ten minutes)
HAD: Yeah uhhhh I'll ask someone
The fucking hold music... again...
HAD: yeah it's not working because it says the address is wrong, so yeah, you'll have to talk to customer service to fix your address, or something
Me: the address is correct!
HAD: yeah it says it's wrong address or wrong card number
Me: (Thinking it might be the fault of the destination bank) Ok. Can you check, do I also have a Money Transfer Offer, because I could try a different card if I do?
HAD: Yeah this offer is forever, it doesn't end, you're allowed to try next week.
Me: What?
HAD: Just maybe try in like, an hour? Or ring back next week?
Me: What? I want to know if there's a Money Transfer option instead.
HAD: wait lemme ask someone
HOLD MUSIC
Them #4: Hello, you're back with me at balance transfers!
Me: Can I try a different card?
Them #4: Sure!
(goes through first try)
Them #4: Success!
Total telephone time (today): two hours, thirty minutes.
This is not even the worst "service" that Totally Shit Bank has provided.
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