Cannot Even

I am one of those hypocrites who laughs at people posting status updates of "I cannot even". I'm a hypocrite because right now my get up and go has gotten up and gone. I have three days off work and it doesn't seem long enough, despite the fact that I'm already bored before I'm half-way through day one :D

Excuse: I have a cold, which seemed pretty harmless until it decided that my nose was boring and migrated to my throat, a location where it actually bloody hurts.

Achievements for today: finally getting hold of previous-previous council and getting them to move their arses on my council tax refund. Also advised water company that I have moved (not sure if they will still expect me to pay for November). Also applied for a few positions around town - there is really not very much out there aside from cleaners, bartenders and factory workers.

Fail for today: I called the previous council to find out about refund or amount still due on council tax, only to discover their system won't be working until 1pm (I am assuming someone didn't pay their internet bill).

More than 30 alarms so far
...and still going

Speaking of internet, when I checked my data usage for the month I saw that I can upgrade my phone and internet plan. For £2 extra, I would almost double my data and since they keep including my corporate discount from a previous life, I would actually be paying less...

Irritation: they're testing the fire alarm today in my house and it's really loud and seems to need testing at least eleventy dozen times.

Today's Deep Thought

Progress Quest

There's a game called Progress Quest, released almost 20 years ago, a role-playing game where you have absolutely no input whatsoever, the game just plays itself as you watch. Slaying a half-wolf... Eating some berries... Finding an axe... Harvesting firewood...

It is a parody; and somehow it has gained cult status, even though it is utterly ridiculous and there is no actual "playing" but just you, sitting and watching the game play itself and advancing in levels. I have fond memories of me and my co-workers sabotaging each others' PQ to try to overtake each other.

Click to enlarge.
Clicking this image is more interactive than the game itself.

Well, lately my life feels a bit like a real-life game of PQ. I don't seem to have much in the way of long-term goals and I sort of run on autopilot. Sometimes it's all you can do to get through today and anything else seems too hard. Even figuring out your dinner is a chore and eating is an annoying thing that just avoids malnutrition. I feel like I'm just enduring.

I know I need to start counting what I've achieved, instead, even if it's just progress in endurance.

Phone company is annoying me... a nine-minute phone call to Australia last month came in at the same cost as my entire combined internet and phone plan for the month. Excruciating. That, and I've looked at my internet data and it's already half gone and I'm only 9 days into the billing period. Seems like I will be stuck playing solitaire and listening to the radio and making sure I don't watch any TV (which uses up my internet).

Being poor is very expensive!

Chains

I drag my heels on finishing the move. Somehow inertia has me glued into place. I'm struggling to brain on what to do in what order. The end result that I didn't achieve much this morning, so the plans for the afternoon are a hot bath and some job-hunting. It's something.

Snorkelling: not my activity of choice.

I'm putting small things into place to improve my health, both physically and socially. It's tough to find the confidence if I'm honest, but there's a particular activity that I think might work for me. Something that will get me out of the house, as well. I don't want to jinx it right now by saying what it is, but I've started gathering the things I need to get started. These aren't big spends, fortunately. And it's something to look forward to, which makes me feel more positive.

Mood: ok. Still ok. Less mopey today than yesterday :)

Sort of Adulting?

My laptop and desk are moved in so I think that means I've officially moved. It also means I don't really want to be in Old Town anymore, would much rather be here with my most treasured possession :D Happy.

Removalist booked. For a price that makes my eyes water, but still beats the previous quote by more than £100. Moving house is expensive and annoying. #notRecommended

Dinner is two boiled eggs out of my kettle and a tin of vegetable soup warmed up on my radiator... I really need to sort out bringing my microwave and my toaster oven here!

There's a church steeple outside my window and it has a rooster on top. It's a weather vane - I can't figure out whether it is actually still functional, so I'll have to keep an eye to see whether it actually turns in the wind - but in the meantime I was curious as to why a rooster was on top of a church. Apparently Pope Gregory I decreed it the symbol of Christianity somewhere around 590 AD. It represents the fact that Peter would deny Jesus three times "before the rooster crowed". It's known as the symbol of St Peter (even though this particular church is named for St John the Apostle and only dates back to 1823). Oh well. #nowyouknow

New place has heating included in the rent. It's not as warm as I would like... but on the plus side it looks like my electricity costs will be less than half.

Removalist Contacted

And I have a week to pack and generally organise myself. Which is realistically two days, because most of that time I won't actually be in Old Town. Unfortunately, the quote was hideous, so I've contacted some others.

Work is... well it's made me a bit frustrated. I don't think I can blame anyone for it, but the role isn't what I expected. The people are absolutely mint and I would genuinely miss one of them massively if I left, though. When I meet someone new and we just click, and they get me, it's a big deal to me. There are currently attempts to stop me from leaving.

Pictorial representation of me and my workmate.
The microphone to the ear shows that one of us doesn't know what they're doing.

I have attended the Job Centre for my benefits application. It turned out to be a longer appointment than expected, with more strict expectations of me and weekly appointments. That's ok, it was just a surprise (and the meetings will probably be quite a waste of government money to be honest) but hey ho. My first payment - which I expect to be £10 if I'm lucky - will be five weeks away. They also approved another loan, to my surprise, but I'm not about to turn it down. It can pay for the removalist.

Splashing Out

...on exciting things such as a toaster and a bathrobe. #spendyMcSpenderson since a bathrobe is kind of essential when you share a bathroom.

Also bought a padlock for storing my stuff and found time to book the space.

Busy girl even ventured into town to see a free event tonight... wasn't very exciting but was a bit of exercise :)

#adulting for tonight was managing to eat half a cup of veggies and two mashed boiled eggs on a slice of toast. Almost a dinner. Obviously I'm now bursting.

Free autumn coat from work's lost property. And a second one which I'll drop in to the library's free coats stash.

Job Done

Sad face :(

That'll do, Pig.

Behold, the before and after. I really cba to paint the cover. It's just plastic (and not primed) so, too bad if anyone else on the road gets offended by one grey eye.

I've applied for benefits, mostly because if I don't do it now it will just take even longer to sort (gotta love the Universal Credit five week wait). I'm technically on a zero-hours contract even though I'll probably earn too much, but even so, the application will be in, just in case.

It's not easy to find a second job that fits around a current job. I saw one which I'd more than likely get (I've worked for the same company before), but I feel like it would kill me :( The reality of the work out there: the job involves heavy lifting and working after midnight. I don't really understand how people think it's ok to pay minimum wage for that.

In the meantime I just keep doing Prolific surveys*, on a good day it's £10 in my pocket when I'd only be typing in here or watching tv anyway.

Mood: ok. I'm ok. It's better than not being ok, you know?



* referral link

As I've Done Before

4/5 stars. I'll take it.

...I spent a day off trawling money advice forums. Even after several hours of reading, I couldn't figure out whether to close my unused credit cards. In the end I stumbled on an ad for a mortgage broker for poor credit and I thought, you know what? Let's ask their advice. So I've just had a lovely conversation with a gentleman named Iain who asked me to do a combined report, which I did, which shows me as having a "good" rating. The best I've ever had. He seems to think I'll have no problems getting a mortgage at all. What?!

I do have to wait for my next paycheque, but he noted that I don't actually have the factors for "poor credit" at all, and that he can choose a provider which uses the credit reference companies where I seem to rank best. Even with the pay drop of my new job (fewer hours) I am not miles away from where I need to be. This was pretty encouraging news. Now I just need the universe to drop a suitable property in front of me.

I went to meditation class again and the regular teacher is back. Honestly, as nice as she is, she's not a great teacher. I haven't a clue what the topic was in the middle, her mind seemed to wander from one abstract concept to the next. All I really grasped was that virtuous things come from virtuous thoughts and that wheat seeds won't grow rice. There was a large group this time too ( = new people) so I doubt they had any clue where it was all going. I think that might be my last one in Old Town.

Part for my car has arrived and I will try to fit it tomorrow after a vampire appointment at the medical centre.

Feeling: ok. Things are gonna be ok.

Credit Rating Dive

My credit rating has updated for the month and it's predictably hideous. I knew it would be bad, but I think it was still a shock to see the words "very poor". I'm not sure how to address it, whether to close a bunch of accounts or not. I've been told not to, but I have way too much available credit, so it's a catch-22. Fortunately, I don't really have the emotional energy to be at all upset about it.

Still fairly sad. Still feeling pretty lonely. Mostly I feel empty and that everything's too hard (arranging my life, achieving any kind of goal, going along to meet new people for coffee). I ponder "running away" sometimes and then remember that it doesn't solve a thing - I'm already running to a new town and it isn't a magic pill. I try to remember the teacher advising us that we need to allow ourselves our feelings, to feel the painful things, but just not dwell on them.

New work has a discounted gym and indoor swimming pool so I'm going to find out what it costs. I need me some exercise again, I am hoping it will kickstart my appetite. I also found a local meditation group which I might try out. And this town has such lovely gardens, so I should just get my trainers on and view me some trees ♥ every green girl needs her some wooded walks as a regular prescription.

I stayed overnight in the new flat. It was odd. Mostly I missed my own things because I'd only taken the bare minimum and felt like I was camping. But it was kinda reassuring that I can survive with very few possessions. Let's hope I can jettison a lot when I pack to move.

Dumb Things, Lucky Things

I still haven't stayed at the new place. A planned minor surgery has been cancelled, which meant I could go to work instead, so I haven't started packing yet. Annoyance #2 is that they want to do a more complicated procedure with general anaesthetic on me instead, after Christmas and in Old Town, and I won't have anywhere to stay after my surgery and won't be able to drive home on the day. And they won't let me stay at the hospital. Really not sure what I'm going to do, sigh. #lonelylife

Speaking of my new place, it has a smaller bed. I bought the wrong duvet from Sainsbury's and had to get it refunded (£22). Then I remembered I had Tesco vouchers from TopCashBack*, so I toddled off to see if they had the size I need. £5.50. That'll do me. I also got the socket set for my car, £6.

Bought a delicious-looking chicken & chorizo sandwich for dinner and barely choked down the first half before I felt too ill. Incredibly frustrating because I really needed the protein as a bare minimum.

Found out I made a couple of mistakes at work when I was left to work solo after only two days. Another team leader thinks that was unfair and invited me to spend another week with her. Pleased :)

Side-effect of the dramatic weight loss (I'm 20kg down) is I've gone from a BMI of Obese -> Overweight -> Healthy. I am still over the recommended waist/belly measurement. I have severe scarring and hanging belly skin that I absolutely hate more than anything else in this world. It's my biggest negative about myself, and I suspect that it won't shrink much no matter how much weight I lose. Still, I have a visible waist now (!!!!) which finally looks smaller than my hips. And when the belly's under clothing, I am almost a body shape that I can be ok with. I hope that " being ok" will be good enough.

Objectively I can look back and think: Wow. I should be thrilled to have lost so much weight, but just the fact that I'm down right now means I see the negatives of everything. Well, this shall pass in time.

41p for six reduced scones via yellow sticker. Something I don't need, but in theory, I like them, so maybe I'll be able to eat them.

*referral link

Moving and Shaking

Well, not quite. I've given notice on my old flat but still need to book storage space and a removalist.

I booked a quote for my wing mirror but then had a brain fart and googled how difficult it was to replace - and it looks far too easy to be paying someone - so I've just bought the part for £18.77 off eBay and if I really can't fit it, I can go back to the body shop with the part in hand. I need to buy a socket set but I still figure I'll be in front. I also need to get some red auto spray paint, but I'm not too worried if it isn't a perfect colour match.

I went to meditation class again and quite liked the new teacher. It was the same concept as last week but she managed to speak in a way that didn't leave us all lost. She talked about sad feelings and how we can learn to manage the way we react to them - this definitely resonated, as she described the act of overthinking, playing out the same horrible memory over and over, or imagining something awful happening, or just beating ourselves up - meaning that we re-expose ourselves to the same sad feelings and amplify them. I'm sick to death of feeling hurt and sad and lonely and abandoned, but it doesn't help to blame others for my own reactions. My reactions are controlled only by me and I am wholly responsible for how I approach anything in life. It will be useful to get better at meditating and learning not to beat myself up quite so much.

I plan to stay over at my new place tonight. I'm sure that I'll spend half the time looking out my window at the amazing tree view.

(I need to spam the posts for a few days. I have too many saved ones written in advance so all my news will be a month behind real life if I don't.)

Towards Contentment, And Eating

Work is going along. The people are nice. I'm not so sure about the role itself. I feel a sense of déjà vu. This isn't the first time that I've thought I understood what a role would be and it turns out somewhat different. It isn't a job that I can't do - I know I can do it - but I'm worried as to whether it will fulfil me. I seem to be doing tasks I didn't expect. But maybe it's only until I settle in.

I want to be content, and presently my life's upside down. I've thrown in my old job and am not sure about the new one, but I'm already committed to moving so I can't backtrack. My lack of friends and my clingy insecurity meant that a dear friend has cut me out of their life. I am so incredibly hurt and I struggle to deal with that, and I hate that it's all my own doing for being too solitary for too long. I am behind with my studies, and can't manage to pack my apartment or book the removalist. The new town should be the place I want to be but I feel like I'll be continually looking over my shoulder for something else to make me feel even worse.

Contentment has been my aim for many years. I've never gone looking for a life of bliss - imagine you did that, you'd grow bored of it and always want to be even happier. What a way to disappoint yourself! I am happy when my mind has peace. My days are a bit sad right now, but I'm just taking one day at a time. Things are not getting worse, and that counts for something. I'm sort of eating. Baby steps.

Spent: £24 on bits and pieces for my new place. Unpleasant.
£10 on a black zip fleece for work.

Accountability: am now down by 19kg in total and am 6kg above target weight. Starting to doubt whether I will ever be happy with my body. Sigh.

Workplace Commenced, Habitation Secured

I've started my new job and feel like I have mental whiplash. None of it is rocket surgery, but there are so many, many things to remember, and when you've a memory like a sieve that isn't a great combination. I spent two days shadowing my colleagues and the first day I marvelled all day at the things I'd never think to inspect in a holiday let. The second day I was learning the way the cleaners actually clean, and I was continually wondering what to do next and then learning there was some tiny detail that gets done every single time... I felt a bit like I had no experience cleaning! haha.

I struggled not to just turn and stare out the windows, even though it was miserable weather. It really is the most extraordinary setting. Even in this cold weather, the flowers are blooming and the grass is green, the stone walled terraces are just lovely and everything is so well-tended. The trees are starting to turn and the coloured leaves are beginning to fall.

Speaking of views, I've been to see a bedsit and told them I would like to take it. It's even smaller than my current flat and I'll need to put some furniture into storage. But it's clean, quiet, incredible value, in a beautiful listed mansion, with a glorious garden, and more of those views to die for. I'm overlooking a lovely old church steeple and lots more gardens, with bird feeders, park benches and ornaments, among other things. I collect the keys this week.

Spent: £2.56 on a double cheeseburger and a coke... which I miraculously managed to get down, although it took me most of my one hour drive home to manage it.

Feeling a bit more positive this week. Mostly 6/10 and up. Unfortunately, someone has gotten too close to the side of my car and taken off the wing mirror and smashed the bracket. The sight of it just trashed my good mood. Heartbroken. What sort of person would do that and not leave a note?